What I Did On My Summer Vacation

Summer vacation? What summer vacation? This summer was one of the craziest, busiest and most exhausting of my life. It was also a ton of fun and a huge blessing, so I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Instead of having a summer vacation, I spent the summer running back and forth between my job at the church and the Ellettsville Branch of the Monroe County Public Library. I finished up my schooling for my LTA (Library Technical Assistant) degree this summer with an internship. Let me tell you, 144 hours in just about 9.5 weeks, on top of a regular job, is insane. Wonderful, but insane.

This summer, I spent a lot of time hanging out in this room:

Photo courtesy: MCPL info on Flickr

It was so much fun familiarizing myself with the collection, watching kids get excited about books, helping them find "just the perfect one" and exploring what working in a library really looks like. What I learned was that I love it. And, I especially love working in a branch library setting. I was able to do so much more than I ever thought; I worked the circulation and reference desks, helped with programming and summer reading, pulled pick lists, created book lists and even completed a project for my supervisor, Stephanie, while I was there.

 

I also became an expert at making dirt pudding.

When I wasn't at the library or at my desk at work, I was home - usually doing homework or working on my portfolio to finish up my degree. Still, now that it's all said and done, I miss it. I made some great friends at the library, and I reconnected with a part of me that had been dormant for awhile.

Now that summer is over and I'm looking at fall, a slightly more relaxed schedule and still months and months of 2013 to embrace, I'm excited for what's next: whatever that is!

The Back Cover of your Life Story

It started out simply enough. On his blog, Jon Acuff posted this challenge: what would the "blurb" on the back cover of your life story look like? For many authors, that's the only chance people have to learn about them, who they are, why they write, what they love...and it has to be short, sweet and to the point.

I thought, "Sure, easy, no problem! I can write this. I mean, it's like 75 words. How hard can it be??" Well, almost a month later I am still struggling with the assignment. It's a little bit like writing your own obituary, only not as morbid and depressing. It's a six-word story with a few more adjectives.

It's a challenge.

So, after dozens and dozens of drafts, here is what I've come up with:

Emily Bedwell always chooses to believe in the impossible. Whether it is coming up with new stories or new ways of doing 'the same old thing,' she believes that the only time you are allowed to stop learning and growing is by dying. Emily is passionate about creating, dreaming, and believing that the things you love are worth fighting for. A little like Lewis Carroll's White Queen, she's been known to believe six impossible things before breakfast.

Before 40

On Sunday night, I watched with the rest of the world as Nik Wallenda did the crazy and spectacular - traversing the Grand Canyon on a tightrope without a safety net. I was terrified for him, in awe of him and amazed by him. The feat in and of itself was brain-defying, but more than that, I was amazed that he had dreamed this dream his entire life and finally did it.  And, it got me to thinking - what have I been dreaming about but have never done?

What experiences am I letting go by because I'm not brave enough to step out on that rope? What am I not trusting enough, believing enough, doing enough?  The answers are hard, that's for sure. But, in the spirit of my One Word and in honor of doing the impossible, I've composed this list of things I'd like to do before I turn 40. (I was going to call it my 40 before 40 list...but that's a lot of things. We'll see how long it gets.) These are no in particular order and this list may grow.

1. Publish a story (fiction or non) in a magazine or journal
2. Complete and submit a novel for publication
3. Be paid to act somewhere
4. Re-learn Spanish and become fluent
5. Learn sign language
6. Speak at a conference
7. See the Grand Canyon
8. Go to Hawaii
9. Read all the books that have won the Newbery medal
10. Attend Book Expo America
11. Lose another 20 pounds
12. Run a 5K
13. Walk a half-marathon
14. Travel to Europe
15. Visit friends moving to Africa while they're there
16. Drive the Pacific Coast Highway
17. Be debt-free
18. Learn to knit and make something for myself
19. Go to New York at Christmas-time
20. Have a home with a big library in it
21. Become a red-head, even if just for a short while
22. Buy a fabulous red dress and have professional photos done
23. Learn how to do amazing eye makeup
24. Direct a play again
25. Meet Stephen King (hey, it's MY dream list!)
26. Read the entire Bible
27. Take the train somewhere
28. Hike in Arches National Park
29. ....

An Open Letter to My Brother...

...On the Occasion of His Graduation from College and Starting His Career.



Cam and I after his Rose-Hulman Graduation

Dear Cameron,

There is always so much I want to say and so much advice I want to give you. But, I also know how smart you are and how confident you are and you will succeed at whatever you do. Still, this is my chance to impart all my big sister advice - sometimes being 12 years older has its advantages!

Be Kinder than Necessary
You are such a good person. You are kind and considerate to people always. I am proud of who you have become and who you are. As you start your new job, you will have abundant opportunities to meet new people, and you won't always know their stories. Be kind to everyone you meet. They are all fighting hard battles going through who knows what in life. When someone has a bad day, remember it's not about you. The best thing you can do is repay them with kindness and compassion.

Trust Yourself
You've gone through a lot o classes and learned a lot in the past four years. Now is the time to trust that schooling and your education. You know more than you even realize. You will be a huge success at whatever you do, and now is the time to trust all the hours of studying and work that have led to this moment.

Stay Humble
You still have a lot to learn. Knowing that is the first step in succeeding in the workplace and with friends! Admitting you don't know the answers is hard, but it's good for you (and for the people around you).

Risk More
We're not risk-takers by nature. Please, please take some risks. Try new foods, meet new people, say yes to invitations you might otherwise have said no to. Meet people. Be adventurous. I know - you're just like me. After a long day at work, going home and hanging out on the couch sounds like the perfect evening. And that's fine, but don't get so comfortable there you never do anything else!

Laugh A Lot
Life is serious...seriously funny. There is always time for laughter and joy. Find the things that make you happy and do them. A lot. Be the first person to laugh at yourself.

Give Back
Find an organization or charity that you love and give back. Volunteer your time, talents and money to serve the hungry, the homeless, the endangered, the scared...whatever fulfills that passion in your heart. You'll never regret the hours or dollars you spend helping others, I can guarantee it.

Plan for the Future
Time goes fast. Too fast. Take time now to think about where you want to go and who you want to be. Then do what you need to do to get there. Don't wait until you think you have life figured out to do this. Don't wait until you meet the perfect girl - start making plans now!

Don't Compromise Yourself
You know who you are, what you are willing to do, and the lines you just won't cross. Don't compromise yourself to be popular or get ahead at work. Your integrity matters long after immediate success; remember to be who you are.

Call Your Mom
She loves you. And she's going to be your biggest supporter and your biggest advocate your entire life. Drop her a text, a phone call, an email, a message via carrier pigeon - just drop her a line. It will mean the world to her.

Love,

Five Minute Friday: View

Go.

The view reminded me that there is just one me in a very big, very complicated, very detailed world. Still, I am not insignificant. I am important. I matter. I have value.

The view from here as I look to the future is a little blurry. The paths I laid so carefully in my teen years and college years is so far gone that it's laughable. This is not where I thought I would be, not what I thought I would be doing, not how I thought my life would look. The view is a little more complicated now. It seemed so simple when I was young - go from point A to point B to point C, neatly checking things off my list and moving on to the next thing.

Now, the view is more like a tree branching off in a million directions. Point A leads to point B, but also to point C, Q and V. Point B will lead you forward to C, N, O or backward to A. It's not clear these days, but the view is a lot more beautiful. As much as I am a planner and an organizer, I feel like the disorder of a life that is unfolding in strange and new ways reminds me that I am just one piece of a giant puzzle. I am one piece and I only have one view of how the future looks.

I can't see the whole picture.
I don't know all the moving pieces.
I don't know where I am (am I an edge piece or somwhere in the middle? What do I hold together?)

I only know that the blurrier my view of the future becomes, the more I have to rest quietly and trust completely that the only view that really matters is the one He has; the one where all the joys and sadness make sense and that, at the end of it all, the view will be perfect.

Stop.

Whatif...

I loved shel silverstein growing up. Funny, smart and sassy, his books of poetry are still some of my favorite things to read through. While I laughed through many poems as a child, they are starting to affect me differently as an adult. Especially this one:

Whatif by Shel Silverstein

Last night, while I lay thinking here,
some Whatifs crawled inside my ear
and pranced and partied all night long
and sang their same old Whatif song:
Whatif I'm dumb in school?
Whatif they've closed the swimming pool?
Whatif I get beat up?
Whatif there's poison in my cup?
Whatif I start to cry?
Whatif I get sick and die?
Whatif I flunk that test?
Whatif green hair grows on my chest?
Whatif nobody likes me?
Whatif a bolt of lightning strikes me?
Whatif I don't grow taller?
Whatif my head starts getting smaller?
Whatif the fish won't bite?
Whatif the wind tears up my kite?
Whatif they start a war?
Whatif my parents get divorced?
Whatif the bus is late?
Whatif my teeth don't grow in straight?
Whatif I tear my pants?
Whatif I never learn to dance?
Everything seems well, and then
the nighttime Whatifs strike again!

My Whatifs now are different; older and more introspective. I don't worry about my teeth growing in straight (they didn't) or if I don't grow taller (I won't). Instead my whatifs are along the lines of whatif we miss a tick, whatif the cancer comes back, whatif something at work changes, whatif I don't like my internship, whatif this...whatif that...whatif, what if, WHAT IF.

I'm learning, though, that my whatifs only have as much power as I let them take. I can either be controlled by my whatifs or learn to control them. I can either live in fear of the unknown or try to be okay with not having all the answers. I can choose to worry about the things I can control and let go of the billion and a half unknowns that I can't.

Knowing all this doesn't always makes the whatifs easier, though. Learning to be okay with the fact that there are whatifs that won't have answers has been a good, though long, lesson. Every time I find another whatif that could take over my mind, I have to remember that these little things only affect me if I let them. Now, the secret is to not let them. Easier said than done, but I'm learning. Slowly. Too bad it's a lesson I have to reteach myself every single time something new stresses me out... :)

 

Five Minute Friday: Brave

Go.

Sometimes He calms the storm. Sometimes He calms me. I have to remember that. I have to remember that no matter how much red is on my radar, He has control. I have to remember that as scary as the storm is, I am not asked to calm it, just trust through it. For me, that is what being brave looks like.

Brave is going through the storm when you'd rather turn the other way.
Brave is admitting you can't control the winds that blow.
Brave is watching the storm move in and staying rooted where you are.
Brave is trusting that you will make it through, no matter how scary and uncertain it feels right now. Brave is being still when the world says run.
Brave is standing up for the right, when the world says it's wrong.
Brave is trusting.
Brave is loving.
Brave is smart, but not calculated.
Brave is honest.
Brave is forthright.
Brave is believing.

There comes a moment in every single day when God asks me to be brave. Sometimes He asks me to be brave in little things - sending emails, answering questions, talking to people I don't know well. Sometimes He asks me to be brave in big things - trusting that He has the answers, even when they're hard and trusting that His plan is better than anything I can ever imagine.

I have lived a truly blessed life. There have been down moments, to be sure. There has been heartache and sadness, but there has been way more joy and happiness. There have been tears, but there have always been more laughs. There has been uncertainty, and there has been a clear path. There has been the call to be Brave in the big and the little: in trusting and hoping and wishing and dreaming; in loving and laughing and wondering and smiling; in tears and heartache and sadness and loneliness. There has been the call, above all, to be His. And being His means being Brave.

Stop.

Where I Went

So, it turns out April is a really bad month for me to try and consistently blog. Add Easter the last day of March and April started crazy and went right on being crazy. I had meetings, appointments, vacation, Race for the Cure weekend, hanging out, small group, work, work, work, birthdays, house stuff, life...it was just a crazy month. Add getting sick to that mix and I'm sorry, I failed at the A to Z challenge. I liked my little story, though, and do plan to finish it. I think it's important to finish the things that you start, even if it takes forever to actually get them done.

May is shaping up to being equally crazy, followed by my summer - working full time and doing my internship to finish up my library science degree. It's going to be fun, but exhausting. As much as i'm not one to wish time away, I'm hoping to survive these next few months in style and come mid-August, I'm already looking forward to my Women of Faith weekend with Beth!

I will try to blog - if I find anything worth writing about and that isn't too introspective (since that makes people think I'm sad when really I'm just lost in my thoughts!)

Don't give up on me, blogging friends. Life is busy, but good. It will continue to be good, but better!

G is for Good Grief

Good grief. I thought I was just not getting enough sleep. I thought that my imagination was just getting the best of me, but it's been weeks now and every night is the same dream. The fire station burning. People screaming. Sadness everywhere. I've gotten used to the dreams by now. They don't scare me anymore. But, goodness, I would love to know what they mean.

Remember that trip I told you about at the beginning of all this? We leave tomorrow. Me, Colton, Michal, the twins, some randoms from our class and a few chaperones. I want to be excited, but right now all I think about is the dreams. What do they mean? What are they trying to tell me? Am I completely losing my mind? Maybe the stress of being a teenager is just too much and now I've gone and broken my fragile brain.

Or maybe someone - or something - is trying to tell me their story. Today, during my study hall, I plopped myself down in front of the history section and looked up the story of Brookstone and the fire station. There wasn't a lot there, sadly. The fire station was built to look like it does because the architect in charge refused to make any changes to what he said "came to him in a dream." He paid for it with his own money, so there was really no way to tell him no. For years, the town considered it an eyesore, but then it just became part of the town, a little bit of crazy in an otherwise perfectly ordered world.

Good grief. I'm tired. I need to close my eyes, but I know if I do the dreams will come again. And, even though they don't scare me anymore, they do leave me wanting to know more and worried that there is nothing that will make them stop.

F is for Fire Station

I don't know what is happening. First the strange visions while I was driving by the fire station. And then, last night, that same vision invaded my dreams. I was standing in front of the station, watching it burn. Except, it wasn't really the fire station. The building looked the same, but everything about it was different. The landscape wasn't dotted with cars and houses, silos and farms, for one thing. Instead, there were sheep - a lot of sheep - and, well, nothing else. No roads, no cars, no electrical wires...nothing.

If I didn't recognize the building, I would have thought it was just a crazy dream. But there was something about the fire station that afternoon that felt different. And the dream didn't just feel like a dream. Instead, it felt like a memory. A memory of a night that was dark and scary and changed the world.

I woke up drenched in sweat, crying and feeling warm, like I had just stood in front of that fire for hours, watching the place I loved disappear.

But it was just the old fire station. Wasn't it?

E is for Eerie

Remember when I said I didn't believe in ghosts?

Well, what happened last night may make me change my mind. I was driving by the fire station after detention. It was a cold and kind of dreary night. As I was driving by, I could have sworn there was a light on in the station. Like usual, I just shook it off and kept on driving. But then, something caught me off guard. Looking in my rearview mirror, the fire station didn't look like it did just moments before. It was lit up like daylight, beautiful and seemed like something out of a fairy tale.

I turned around and looked. Nothing. Just the same old abandoned building. I looked in the rearview mirror. Bright, shining castle. I did the same looking cycle twice. Nothing changed. It made no sense, but it kept happening.

I drove home, quickly, ignoring any and every speed limit sign and traffic rule out there. I didn't know what was going on, but I kind of felt like I was losing my mind. Surely I was just tired, drained from a long day and letting my over-active imagination run away with me. There was no way I was seeing what I thought I was seeing.

And, what was even more eerie was the girl I saw in the window of the castle last time I looked. She looked exactly like me. And she looked scared.

D is for Detention

So, apparently detention is what you get when you frantically try and catch up on your journal instead of paying attention in Spanish. And then admit it when the teacher asks you what you were doing, because you didn't really listen to the question.

So here, I am, along with 3 other detention-worthy souls. There is Michal, who is stoned and tired and probably doesn't even realize that he's still in detention. Then, there are Cati and Cali, the cute twins who love attention so much they don't care if it means they have to spend a precious hour after school sitting in this room doing nothing.

Oh well. I almost made it through school without having to sit through a detention period. I guess it's a right of passage. In fact, my dad will probably be proud of me. He thinks I'm too much of a rule follower and never take any risks. Then again, is it really a risk to accidentally tell your Spanish teacher to suck an egg?

C is for Colton. And catching up.

Oh, life, why do you get so complicated sometimes? C could be for any number of things, but today it was supposed to be about Colton. And then I lost my journal for a few days, so I'm also trying to catch up on everything that has happened since I last wrote.

Colton was my first friend. My first love. My first enemy. He was everything a boy is supposed to be; charming, cute, calm, quiet, popular. I was...not. I am awkward, with crazy curly brown hair I've given up trying to tame, non-discriminate blue eyes, fair skin. I was not the most unpopular person in school, but I am not the most popular, either. I am just, unremarkable. Average.

Colton came into my life when I was an 8th grader. He was smart and for some reason wanted to be my friend. We had a lot of fun and I will admit I wanted him to be my first everything. But, that summer something changed. High school started and the things he used to find cute about me he made fun of me for. My laugh was too loud, my smile was too fake, my name was to different. In one lunch period, he went from the stuff of dreams to the stuff of nightmares.

Oh, did I mention that he is one of the 17 people going on this trip? Oh, goody.

B is for Brookstone

Ah, Brookstone. I've lived here my entire life, but I really don't know anything about my hometown. It's small. It smells a little like copper and farmland. It's a place where nothing exciting ever happens. It's just where I live. And, it's also where I cannot wait to get away from once I graduate. That's really the best reason for taking this crazy trip. I get to leave Brookstone. Without the parental units. Well, at least without my parental units. There will still be grown ups on the trip, I suppose.

Brookstone is home to a few unique things, though. I love the old fire station just down the road from my house. It's been abandoned for years, left to rot once the city built the fancy new station downtown, but it looks like something straight out of a medieval city. Gothic spires and gargoyles line the entrances to the firetruck bays. I remember being told it used to be a hospital before it was converted to a fire station. It looks like a hospital, so I totally believe it. At night, it's kind of spooky to drive by - sometimes I feel like there are lights in the windows, even though I know it's not possible. And, before you ask, no, I don't believe in ghosts. I just have an over-active imagination. Or so I've been told by, well, by everyone.

Brookstone is also home to a couple state fair winning swine, the 1999 Miss USA, and Carlton Michaels. Carlton, now there's a story.

A is for Adeline

Note: I've decided to write a short story for the A to Z challenge. I need to use my creative juices a little more these days. So, for the A-Z posts, you will get to meet Adeline, my fictional teen narrator.

 

 

 

For years, I was convinced that my mother just mis-spoke when she named me. I mean, what kind of name is Adeline, anyway? Like Madeline without the M? And yes, before you ask, it's Adeline, like line, not Lynn.

 

Spend your spring break in another country, they said. It will be fun, they said. It will change your life, they said. So far, all it's done is take up an entire day standing in one line after another, getting passport photos taken, filling out forms, setting up bank accounts...this is not my idea of fun, even if it does get my out of Brookstone for awhile.

 

My parents still aren't sold on the idea of me leaving the country for a few weeks, even if I'm going with a group of people from school that they totally approve of. You know, parents, teachers - the people that suck the fun right out of every adventure. Yeah, they're all going on this trip. Along with the nerds and the popular kids. And me.

 

I'm not really a nerd (even though I love to read). And I'm not popular (even though I once was a cheerleader). I'm just me. Adeline Mckenzie Peabody. Completely normal. Completely average.

 

At least that's what I've always told myself.

A to Z Challenge, Year 2

I'm one again participating in the A to Z blogging challenge. Last year it was a lot of fun, but a lot of work. But, so worth it. So, here I am again. I've tried to come up with a theme for this year, but so far nothing has lasted more than a couple days in my head. Do I want to do 26 days of book reviews? 26 days of free writing? 26 days of creative writing? Do I want to, like last year, just talk about 26 things I love? Do I want to be focused or sporadic? Do I want to have a plan at all?

It's just a few hours before the challenge kicks off and I still don't know what I'm going to do - I guess we'll find out tomorrow!

What do you think I should write?

30 pounds in three months!

As of today, I have lost 30 pounds since beginning this weight loss journey. What a crazy accomplishment. I am feeling great, and have a more positive view of my body than I have had in a long time. I'm 15 lbs away from the lowest I've weighed since college. It's an exciting thing, for sure. Feeling and seeing the results is what keeps me motivated, even when I want to scarf down stuff that really isn't good for me at all. I am finally realizing that I AM WORTH IT. I am worth losing weight. Worth feeling beautiful. Worth feeling in control of this part of my life. Worth feeling happy.

So, in honor of losing 30 pounds, here are some other things that weight 30 pounds.

20 cartons of eggs

this creepy fish

10 cans of Crisco

three Madi-dogs

almost 4 gallons of water.

So, there you have it. That is what I was carrying around on my body. Today is a new day, though. Here's to losing another 10 and getting to do a fun "things that weigh 40 pounds" post!

Simple Prayers. Big God.

Let me tell you a story about a little dog, puppy parents who loves her dearly, and my little prayers to a big God.

Almost two weeks ago, on a Friday, we (Tim, myself and Madi) went for a walk around the beautiful IU campus, complete with chasing of bunnies and stopping for frozen yogurt. It was a beautiful night, and reminded me just how much I love my little family.

That night, I noticed Madi was limping a little. By Monday, we had decided to at least take her to the vet to make sure nothing too major was going on. When she was just 10 months old, our little Madi-dog had surgery on one of her knees. In the last three years, I think Tim and I were both waiting for the other "knee" to drop. I was a bundle of nerves as we waited at the vet. But, Dr. Victor didn't think it was worth pursuing surgery yet. Let's give her some anti-inflammatories and see if she does better. Happier words couldn't have been said.

Fast forward to last night. I get a text from Tim on my way home from a late-night meeting saying he and Madi had just had an awesome round of GTP (get the puppy). I was so happy my little Madi was back to herself and made a mental note to call the vet and ask how much longer we needed to keep her on the meds. I let her out one more time to go to the bathroom before bed. A pained yelp. More limping than I had ever seen. Another vet appointment his morning. Today, the diagnosis wasn't nearly as good. Torn/Ripped/Damaged ACL (no, I didn't even know dogs had ACLs). Medication and rest immediately prescribed (have you met my high-energy dog??). Surgery up to us.

So, now we are faced with a decision: go through the prescribed 8 weeks of keeping her medicated and resting as much as possible and see if it helps. Or, schedule the surgery, undergo the stress of her recovery, and be done with it, hopefully fixing the problem for good. It's a big decision, and one we're not rushing to make quickly. We're going to give it a couple weeks. See if she feels any better (even though seeing her in pain breaks my heart into a thousand pieces).

So, that's the story. Here's where the prayer comes in. Every day for almost two weeks, I have been praying for my dog. At first, I felt silly. I mean, there are huge, massive things happening in the world. There are children dying of starvation and people being sold into human trafficking. There are floods and wars and hate and violence. There is so much BIG stuff going on in the world, why am I "wasting my time and God's" by praying that he would give comfort and healing to my little 10-lb, 4-year old friend? But still, I pray. And I ask those I love for prayer as well. And today I was reminded by a dear friend that there are no little prayers in God's eyes. He loves for us to go to Him with everything, from the big, life-changing things, to the little, please protect and heal my dog things. I was reminded that the God I love is a God of joys and sorrows, a God who gave me the capacity to cry tears of sadness because a little creature I love is hurting. He is a God who loves me, and therefore, loves my little dog.

When I took to twitter, my dog-loving and non-dog-loving friends alike responded with promises of prayers, reminding me that there are a lot of people that do the same and don't think less of me for asking for prayer for something so "small" as our little Chi.

So I sit here, ready to go home and cuddle her before heading back for Easter rehearsal, thankful. Thankful for friends who love me and by extension my family (Tim and Madi). Thankful for people who understand how important she is to us. Thankful for a husband who told me today that owning a dog is one of his favorite parts of life. And, mostly, thankful for a God who hears my small prayers and honors them. Maybe not with miraculous healing, but He never promised that. He hears my prayers, calms my heart, and gives me the strength to go through another day, my loving, limping dog by my side.

Type-A Faith

Two things that are true about me:

1. My faith defines every aspect of my life.
2. I am 100% Type-A, personality-wise.

These two truths often end up colliding in my life. It's hard to be faithful and like to have a plan. It's hard to trust that someone else is in control and still want to check things off a list. It's hard to be patient and wait when doing something sounds like a much better idea.

Over the last few years, I have had to come to grips with these two parts of my personality and learn how to live in harmony with my faith and the way I was made. Because I always want to know the plan, have a list, be organized and have all the answers before I make a decision, I don't often rely on faith like I should. While I do truly believe that faith is critical to my life, I find that I often don't depend on it to guide my decisions. Instead, I second-guess everything. I want to know everything before I make a decision. I don't want to leave anything up to chance, even if "chance" is guided by a bigger force.

Quite simply, the unknown is scary. It means giving up control and letting some things go. Unknown means risking failure, risking not knowing the answers, risking not being enough. And, I'm bad at that. It many ways, I've spent a large portion of my life doing the safe thing, because I could control it and I could make sure that I ended up on the other side relatively unscathed. But, what kind of life is that to live?

Back in January I made a conscious choice to make 2013 the year where I controlled less and where I stopped living a safe, easy life and was ready to make whatever changes God wanted me to make. I was ready to let faith lead me more than my type-A personality. And, wow, since I said that, God has been taking me at my word. This year, only three months in, has been a year where I have had to let go of some of my control, evaluate where I am, and decide what really makes me happy, fulfills me and makes me the best possible version of myself. I've had to give up my need for checklists (even though I still have plenty of them) and realize that sometimes all the logic in the world isn't enough and you have to go on faith sometimes.

My type-A faith is in a constant state of flux this year as I learn, somehow, to balance how I was created with Who created me this way. I'm trying to let my faith and my personality walk hand-in-hand as I journey through the year, and remain ready for anything, for everything, for the things I least expect.

Defining Discontentment

There are two kinds of discontentment in the world. The first is the kind that makes you feel a little worthless, a little too stressed, a little anxious about anything and everything. And then there is the kind of discontentment that demands self-reflection, honest conversations and possible change in your life. Both are necessary parts of the human experience and both demand that you take a moment to reflect and evaluate what you love and what is missing in your life. For me, the last several months have involved looking at the places where I am wanting more/different in my life and trying to figure out which version is ruling my life: the healthy discontent that requires me to think or the unhealthy version that leaves to self-loathing and feeling lost in a crazy world.

 

I think, now that I have been able to look at it a little more objectively, it is/was a little of both. Some of my discontentment came from the very real fact that I was very unhappy with my physical self. I didn't like what I saw when I looked in the mirror. I didn't like the way I felt about my body, my face, etc. I didn't want pictures taken, and I didn't do much to make myself feel better. So, the first step was to address that discontent. I knew I could do something about it. So, I did. Now, 26 pounds lighter, I am starting to find my physical self again. I still have more weight I'd like to lose (depending on the day anywhere from 20-30 pounds), but I feel in control. Yes, I make poor choices sometimes still. But those poor choices are not ruining my month, week or even day. One sugary drink will not kill the progress I've made. And, knowing that I feel different about weight loss this time means that I'm approaching every choice as a lifestyle decision, not just a comfort-food decision.

 

Check. One thing slowly coming off the list.

 

The rest of my discontentment? It's a stirring in my heart to be more, to serve more, to look beyond myself and figure out my place in the world. At 33, I'm finally starting to figure out what makes me the happiest and where I feel fulfilled and excited. This sense of longing and wanting to change comes from knowing that I have been comfortable too long. And, comfort can make a person lazy and confined to the walls they create around themselves. So, I'm evaluating that discontent feeling. Here are the questions I'm asking myself to determine if my discontentment is healthy or unhealthy:

 

• What is making me discontent?
• What am I doing to change my circumstances?
• Am I letting stress take too much control of my life?
• Am I seeking change because it's time or because I'm bored?
• Is my discontent coming from something internal or something external?
• What am I already doing to address the issues before making a big change?
• Will change solve the underlying problem, or is it a heart-issue?
• Have I voiced my concerns out loud to the right people?
• How do I define content anyway?
• Is content my ultimate goal? Or is it something deeper?
• If I could do anything, be anyone, how would I answer the question "what's next?"
• Is fear keeping me from addressing my discontent?

What questions do you think I should ask?