Two things that are true about me:
1. My faith defines every aspect of my life.
2. I am 100% Type-A, personality-wise.
These two truths often end up colliding in my life. It's hard to be faithful and like to have a plan. It's hard to trust that someone else is in control and still want to check things off a list. It's hard to be patient and wait when doing something sounds like a much better idea.
Over the last few years, I have had to come to grips with these two parts of my personality and learn how to live in harmony with my faith and the way I was made. Because I always want to know the plan, have a list, be organized and have all the answers before I make a decision, I don't often rely on faith like I should. While I do truly believe that faith is critical to my life, I find that I often don't depend on it to guide my decisions. Instead, I second-guess everything. I want to know everything before I make a decision. I don't want to leave anything up to chance, even if "chance" is guided by a bigger force.
Quite simply, the unknown is scary. It means giving up control and letting some things go. Unknown means risking failure, risking not knowing the answers, risking not being enough. And, I'm bad at that. It many ways, I've spent a large portion of my life doing the safe thing, because I could control it and I could make sure that I ended up on the other side relatively unscathed. But, what kind of life is that to live?
Back in January I made a conscious choice to make 2013 the year where I controlled less and where I stopped living a safe, easy life and was ready to make whatever changes God wanted me to make. I was ready to let faith lead me more than my type-A personality. And, wow, since I said that, God has been taking me at my word. This year, only three months in, has been a year where I have had to let go of some of my control, evaluate where I am, and decide what really makes me happy, fulfills me and makes me the best possible version of myself. I've had to give up my need for checklists (even though I still have plenty of them) and realize that sometimes all the logic in the world isn't enough and you have to go on faith sometimes.
My type-A faith is in a constant state of flux this year as I learn, somehow, to balance how I was created with Who created me this way. I'm trying to let my faith and my personality walk hand-in-hand as I journey through the year, and remain ready for anything, for everything, for the things I least expect.