Last time I wrote here, I was talking about Story. It seems that it is a theme that won't leave me alone. And it shouldn't leave me alone. I need to be constantly reminded that I am part of a bigger story, and constantly working to make my story better. What I've realized lately is that I've been stuck on the same page, same chapter of my story for quite awhile.
It's the chapter that goes something like this:
I'm overweight. I don't like being overweight. In fact, I hate it. It makes me really dislike myself. It makes me pull away from the people I love. It makes me feel unbeautiful, unwanted, unneeded...which trust me, I KNOW is a big. fat. lie. But that doesn't mean I don't feel it. So i think about how much I want to change, and then I push too hard and try to do too much and I fail. And then it's like Groundhog Day, and I start the chapter over again.
Once, about 8 years ago, I said enough. I joined weight watchers and lost a lot of weight. Then life caught up with me. And I know what to do. I'm just not doing it. Which then makes me angry at myself and sad at myself. And the cycle repeats again.
Well, this week, I decided (yes, again) that enough was enough. But, instead of doing something drastic, I'm going to try and be realistic. I wanted to start August and do P90X with my friend Aubrey. She's lost a ton of weight and looks amazing. But, what I quickly realized was that I am in no shape to even attempt P90X, mentally or physically.
So now I've thought about it and looked at the options. And this morning I signed up for and began the Couch to 5K training program. It's three days a week. I can do that. It's gradual. I can see improvement that way. It is only 30 minutes a workout. If I can't find that time for myself, things need to change. I know that it will require sacrifice. I will be getting up earlier. I will be watching what I eat more. I will be careful and I will see results. But I'm learning to stop expecting miracles and to stop going to extremes.
My big goal? To rewrite the chapter of my story about weight loss - and to be the author again, instead of letting the world dictate the words I'm saying.