I received an email yesterday inviting me to join the "Biggest Loser Club" at the office where I work. I was excited - being with friends and having that accountability seemed like a great way to lose some weight and get in better shape. Then I read a little more of the email. To participate, we would have to weigh in (duh). In front of everyone. Yikes.
My weight is such a huge personal issue with me. I am, to be honest, ashamed of the number on the scale - almost to the point of tears sometimes. Weight has been an issue with me for as long as I can remember, and the last few years have not gotten any easier. No one knows what I weigh but me and the scale. And, I'd like to keep it that way. My husband doesn't know, because I'm ashamed. And I think he'd be sad and shocked and all that. The same with my family and friends.
So, I thought long and hard about it - and had a bit of a panic attack about the whole thing - but decided I would do it. It would be humbling. It would be horrible. It would be humiliating. There would probably be tears and I'd probably make myself sick getting worked up about it, but I would face it head-on for the first time in a long time. So there.
And then I got the email saying that I wasn't the only one a little freaked out by that thought, so the weigh in will be private now. Whew. That was close.
But, still, it made me think a lot about what I worry about and why I worry about those things. Would having the world know my weight make me less of a person? Would my husband love me less or my friends look at me differently? In my heart, I know the answer to those questions is "no." But it still scares me so much.
I know the brave way to show I had learned something from the experience would be to post my weight right here on my blog for the world to see. To say that's it - this is what I weigh - and be done with the worry.
But I can't. Because I'm not quite that brave.