My Personal Rock & A Hard Place

Sometimes I wish I was better at expressing myself verbally.  I usually can handle expressing myself fairly well when I'm writing, but face-to-face sometimes leaves me speechless.  Mostly, this happens when I get my feelings hurt or am faced with big changes.  I tend to keep to myself and not express myself as fully as I should.  And, sometimes I regret it after the fact. I regret not being honest with the people in my life, and with myself.  I regret being too quiet when I should speak up, and speaking up when I should be silent.

I am good at expressing myself to my friends and the people I have taken the time to really let into my life these last few years.  Or, I should say that I think I am good at it.  Sometimes, though, they are the people that I am most silent around - I don't want to say something, even if I'm hurt, because what if it changes their opinion or me or they don't like me anymore, or they get mad at me...yes, I have this entire conversation with myself in the point four seconds between when I'm hurt and when I can say something.  My fear of hurting someone else always trumps my sadness at getting hurt.  I'm not sure if that is a blessing or a curse, but it is who I am.

But, what would my life look like if I said everything I wanted to say when I wanted to say it?  My guess is it would be a lonely life.  I would probably say things in the heat of the moment, but then regret it later.  I would probably make more people angry and have less close relationships.  I would probably not be very nice to be around.  So, you see my rock and my hard place now, don't you?  If I say something, I might hurt someone else or say something I would regret...but if I don't say anything, I get hurt and regret not saying anything.  It's a catch-22 with no easy way out, at least the way I see it.  So, I stay silent and don't risk rocking the boat.  I'm not sure what that says about me and how much I trust my friends sometimes...and I'm less sure I like what I can infer from that line of thinking.

I need to be more willing to speak up, even when it might cause friction; even when it might rock the boat; even when it makes me really uncomfortable to admit that I am not 100% happy and content all the time.

Does any of this make sense?  Or am I just whiny and complaining?

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