I think confession is good for the soul, so this is about confession.
Years and years and years ago, I was told a big lie by someone I loved and trusted at the time. I was told I was inferior, ugly, unlovable and not worthy. I was told I would never be beautiful, never be cherished, never be…enough.
Through the years, I have learned to fight the lie. I have learned to love and learned to trust again. I have learned that I am unique and I am human. I have learned there is something more to me than just the ordinary. I have learned I am worthy.
That doesn’t mean that some days aren’t a huge fight to keep believing the truth instead of the lie. Because, for me, in some ways, it’s just easier to believe the lie – to believe that there is nothing in this empty shell of a person to love; to believe that I am just what that person told me I would be. Those are the hard days. And, sadly it seems like I’ve been having a lot more of those days lately.
Now, don’t get me wrong. There are days, weeks, maybe even months that can go by where I don’t even think about the lie. These are happy and good times where I don’t question myself or who I was made to be. I enjoy who I am and what I’ve done with my life. I feel adored, loved, cherished and wonderful.
But the last few days/weeks have been hard. I hear that voice in my head telling me I will never stack up and I believe the lie. When I start believing the lie, I start finding fault with myself. I start feeling like a failure and feel like I am a disappointment to the people I love and the people I encounter in my life. I start to get down on myself for every little thing I do and I start to regret my decisions. I feel unworthy, unattractive and unacceptable. And, once I start feeling those things, shaking it is hard.
The worst part about the lie? I hate that I believe it so much sometimes.
It’s the difference between what I “know” and what I “choose” to believe that is so hard. On a purely logical level, I know the lies are just that – lies. But on an emotional level, it’s so much more difficult. I read into every little question, every missed moment of connection or affection scream out “YOU SEE, THE LIAR WASN’T LYING AT ALL.” And each instance compounds upon the last one and the liar starts to win. This weekend, I finally broke down and had a nice cry (in the comfort and solidarity of my bathroom).
I want to make sure I emphasize there is no one else at fault here. I know my friends and family and know their hearts. They don’t do anything to make me feel unloved or unworthy or unimportant. They are what is RIGHT in my world. What goes on inside me sometimes is what is WRONG. I know it’s not a burden to those in my life and I hate knowing that sometimes I make them feel like they’ve done something wrong. That couldn’t be further from the truth. The fact that they stick by me when I’m a mess never ceases to amaze me.
The truth and the lie. Constantly at battle in my life. And more about me than you probably wanted to know!