Lately I've been thinking about my job a lot. Not in a bad way, just in a curious way. I was in a meeting today where I couldn't help but wonder, as I listened to people talk and listened to their passions unfold, that I don't really understand why I am in my job or where I am. I am realizing slowly, but surely, that I don't fit the typical church-worker mold. I don't have the Bible-school background, and I honestly don't feel like I know nearly enough about the Bible or God to have a deep conversation sometimes. I don't feel like my priorities are maybe where they should be.
Don't get me wrong, I love the church, and my deep desire is that everyone have the same life-changing decision to accept Christ that I made in 1996. I want everyone to be part of the big story God is telling, and I want everyone to be in a place where God has called them. I want people to know the love, acceptance, passion, beauty and life that I only have through Him. But, at the same time, people never seem to be my first thought in meetings. My first thought usually is "Where is that money going to come from?" "How are we going to pay for that?" or something similar. I have a hard time seeing the ministry through the dollar signs!
I don't know, maybe that means I am in exactly the right job in exactly the right place. Maybe my "job" at my job is to be that voice, even though it often makes me feel like the bad guy! I don't know...it is a constant disconnect in my life. I want to have that passion for ministry and people...but my passion seems to be making sure there is money left for someone else to do ministry...at least when it comes to work? Maybe I am right where I am because God needs me to be asking those questions - even when I'm sure everyone gets tired of hearing me ask them!