I have a confession to make. These days Christmas seems more like a chore than a celebration. It started awhile ago - the first Christmas I was on staff at church, I realized that the holidays are not just a time for family and friends - they are also a very busy and stressful time for people involved in church work. That is probably not the case everywhere, but being a large church in a college town, we have our own set of craziness - schedules that depend on college and school breaks, fitting events into every nook and cranny - the usual stuff.
For some reason, though, this year I am dreading it more than usual. I am not sure why exactly, except for a little fear that recent changes here, as well as some staff burnout, will end up with Tim and I here more than we're not for the next month or so. Several years ago a phrase was coined to describe the women left behind when church work gets busy - "worship widows." Last year it didn't seem to bother me too much. This year, I am already feeling the resentment growing. I'm sure part of it self-fulfilling prophesy, so I am trying to be positive, but still...
I do know it would be so much harder if we didn't enjoy our jobs and enjoy the people we work with so much. Sometimes it just seems kind of ironic to me - we spend most of December every year telling people to slow down and enjoy time with their family and friends, but then we through about a million and a half events and projects at them. Doesn't really make sense to me!
Anyway, I think part of this is mourning for me - this Christmas will be totally different for me - the first one I haven't spent with my mom, the first time I haven't woken up at my parent's house on Christmas morning. I know things change and times change. I know it's a good thing, too, but I don't know that I can find the right words for how hard it is going to be for me. My mom is my best friend, and knowing that I won't be there for the first time is hard. Really hard. So, i think that's why I'm dreading the Christmas season a little more this year. All the work, all the stuff, all the events - they are all reminders that this year is going to be different.
I need to snap out of it, though. There is no good that can come of dreading it, so I'll put on some Christmas music, decorate this weekend, and decide that it's going to be all okay in the end!