Becoming...

I found this on my computer today. I may have posted it once, I don't know. But, here it is again. Funny how some things never change...

Becoming

That which dominates our imaginations and our thoughts will determine our lives, and our character. Therefore, it behooves us to be careful what we worship, for what we are worshipping we are becoming. -Ralph Waldo Emerson

Sometimes a quote will just capture my heart. That is what happened with the quote above. I was just looking for something to write in a card to send to a friend; something to encourage her walk and her journey forward. What I found, instead, was conviction and a chance to evaluate what commanded my attention most. My heart cried out, “I want to become more like the Christ that I love," but the reality of my life is that there are about a thousand things asking for a place in my heart at any given moment. So, it’s time to evaluate. What am I worshipping? What am I becoming?

I would like to say that I only worship God at any given moment. Oh, how I pray that would be true in my life - and yours! The reality is, however, that is not always true. My husband dominates my thoughts and imagination. He commands my heart and has my devotion. Those are all good things - wonderful things - but they are not the most important thing. Am I worshipping my marriage more than my God?

Like many women, I spend a fair amount of time thinking about and worrying about my weight and appearance. Right or wrong, good or bad, it is something I do (and, if you’re honest, you probably do, too). Am I worshipping the number on the scale? Does what it says dictate my mood, my feelings, and my opinions about the world in general? Sometimes. Am I becoming controlled by a number that did nothing to determine the love of my friends, family, husband or God?

A friend recently showed a powerful verse in Isaiah to me that reminded me of this very struggle. Isaiah 44:19-20 says, "The person who made the idol never stops to reflect, ‘Why, it's just a block of wood! I burned half of it for heat and used it to bake my bread and roast my meat. How can the rest of it be a god? Should I bow down to worship a chunk of wood?’ The poor, deluded fool feeds on ashes. He is trusting something that can give him no help at all. Yet he cannot bring himself to ask, ‘Is this thing, this idol that I'm holding in my hand, a lie?’" When compared with the goodness of God, why do we put anything else in His place?

The list of things that easily creep into the place where God belongs could go on and on. Things, people, relationships, even church…they all seem to take the place I should be reserving for God at one time or another. Still, there is hope. There is a promise that God gave me that I could be His, could become more like Him. When I am discouraged about the wrong things dominating who I am, He reminds me that each new day is like a blank page in the book of my life. The sins I committed and the struggles I faced yesterday do not have to keep my focus today. God has already forgiven those sins. Every day I have a new opportunity to become more His, to worship Him more, to let Him dominate my thoughts and capture my imagination with wonder.

I know that most days I will probably mess up more than I care to admit. Something will take my focus off of becoming more like Christ and I will take a few steps backward. At the same time, however, God will continue to make Himself known and present in my world, demanding my attention shift back to Him with subtle reminders of His sovereignty and power. I know there is a battle for my worship taking place. I know that it will continue to get easier to focus on Him through the mess of life. And I know, without a doubt, what I am becoming…

…His

You Have No Power Over Me

(This wasn't intended to be part two to my previous blog...it just kind of happened that way)

I was re-reading my last blog post last week and realized that it made me sound a little down in the dumps (which was then confirmed by my wonderful momma calling to check on me -hee hee). That truly wasn't the purpose of the post - more just putting words to the stuff going on inside me. It's not always happy and good stuff, but stuff it is, nonetheless.

So, because I left the last blog on such a low note, i thought I would finish up the "tale of the lie (and the liar)" with a couple more uplifting thoughts.

For me, putting down what I'm feeling on paper is a release - it's a way to say, you know what, these things don't have the power over me. I know I am loved and adored and cherished -by my friends, my family, my husband and my Abba. I know I am worth everything, even worth dying for - and that's a humbling thought. I also know that, when it comes down to it, the liar has no power over me.

Do you remember the movie Labyrinth? It came out sometime in the 80s and starred Davide Bowie (and his tight pants and big hair) as Jareth and a very young Jennifer Connolly as Sarah. I won't go into the details of the movie, even though I do love it, except to draw the parallel to what I'm trying to say. At the end of the movie, Sarah is facing Jarreth and he is offering her everything she could ever want, at a price. While it is tempting to run away from her frustrations and problems and stay with him, she knows that she needs to face what scares her and frustrates her and deal with it, head on. She knows she needs to be open to love and to be loved by the people in her life.

In a moment of clarity, she is able to look at him and say, "... for my will is as strong as yours, and my kingdom is as great. You have no power over me."

That is exactly what I say to the liar when the lie gets the best of me.

For my will is as strong as yours...
I am stronger because of your lie, actually. I am more than what I ever thought I could be because I have survived and triumphed over you. I am able to love and be loved; to cherish and be cherished; to laugh and to smile and to enjoy my life.

...and my kingdom is as great...
All the world is mine to experience and enjoy. And, beyond this life, I have something more - a life waiting for me where I am the daughter of the King. And His kingdom is greater than everything else.

...You have no power over me.
I can make the choice - either the liar wins or I win. I choose to win. Because, in the end, the only power he has is the power I choose to give him. And I choose to give him nothing.

The end.

Sometimes I Believe the Lie

I think confession is good for the soul, so this is about confession.

Years and years and years ago, I was told a big lie by someone I loved and trusted at the time. I was told I was inferior, ugly, unlovable and not worthy. I was told I would never be beautiful, never be cherished, never be…enough.

Through the years, I have learned to fight the lie. I have learned to love and learned to trust again. I have learned that I am unique and I am human. I have learned there is something more to me than just the ordinary. I have learned I am worthy.

That doesn’t mean that some days aren’t a huge fight to keep believing the truth instead of the lie. Because, for me, in some ways, it’s just easier to believe the lie – to believe that there is nothing in this empty shell of a person to love; to believe that I am just what that person told me I would be. Those are the hard days. And, sadly it seems like I’ve been having a lot more of those days lately.

Now, don’t get me wrong. There are days, weeks, maybe even months that can go by where I don’t even think about the lie. These are happy and good times where I don’t question myself or who I was made to be. I enjoy who I am and what I’ve done with my life. I feel adored, loved, cherished and wonderful.

But the last few days/weeks have been hard. I hear that voice in my head telling me I will never stack up and I believe the lie. When I start believing the lie, I start finding fault with myself. I start feeling like a failure and feel like I am a disappointment to the people I love and the people I encounter in my life. I start to get down on myself for every little thing I do and I start to regret my decisions. I feel unworthy, unattractive and unacceptable. And, once I start feeling those things, shaking it is hard.

The worst part about the lie? I hate that I believe it so much sometimes.

It’s the difference between what I “know” and what I “choose” to believe that is so hard. On a purely logical level, I know the lies are just that – lies. But on an emotional level, it’s so much more difficult. I read into every little question, every missed moment of connection or affection scream out “YOU SEE, THE LIAR WASN’T LYING AT ALL.” And each instance compounds upon the last one and the liar starts to win. This weekend, I finally broke down and had a nice cry (in the comfort and solidarity of my bathroom).

I want to make sure I emphasize there is no one else at fault here. I know my friends and family and know their hearts. They don’t do anything to make me feel unloved or unworthy or unimportant. They are what is RIGHT in my world. What goes on inside me sometimes is what is WRONG. I know it’s not a burden to those in my life and I hate knowing that sometimes I make them feel like they’ve done something wrong. That couldn’t be further from the truth. The fact that they stick by me when I’m a mess never ceases to amaze me.

The truth and the lie. Constantly at battle in my life. And more about me than you probably wanted to know!

Why I May Never Leave My Couch Again...