Well, i knew it would happen eventually. Wedding planning has just gone too smooth for a little something not to go wrong, right? Well, it happened. The guy that was supposed to sing "All I Ask of You" with Tessa is going to be in New Jersey the weekend of the wedding. To his credit, he didn't plan it that way. His brother is joining to coast guard and will graduate on October 20th. So, not his fault, but that doesn't change the fact that I'm extremely disappointed and more than a little stressed about how we're going to replace him and what is going to happen! YIKES! I'm trying not to immediately go into freak out mode, but that's not working too terribly well at this point.
Can I just say it again--YIKES!
8.31.2006
8.30.2006
Healing
"These days the quiet is a curious thing..."
My father has been dead for 10 years. I didn't write about this last week when the anniversary occured. I would like to say it was because I was busy. I would like to say it was because the day passed without me even realizing it was there. I would like to say that after a decade it doesn't really affect me that much.
Those would all be lies.
I knew it was coming. I watched the days pass and the anniversary get closer. I spent many random moments during random days in August upset and crying. I felt lost and confused. Sometimes I found myself still angry at God, even though I'm no longer sure that's a valid response. I talked to dad. I know he can't really hear me, but I voiced words and hopes to him and wondered how different my life would be if he were here.
I looked at th man I will marry in just a few weeks and felt peace, knowing my dad would love him and approve of him and the way he takes care of me. I thought about the future. Not just mine, but the future of my sister and my brothers and my stepmom. I thought about the family I have that I haven't seen in the better part of a decade. I thought about loss. I thought about being 27 and having a piece of my life missing. I thought about the time quickly approaching when my dad will have been dead for more of my life than he was alive.
Mostly, though, I just thought about the great man he was. The way he lived what he said. The way he didn't mince words, but instead said what was on his heart. The way he taught me to love. The way he accepted everyone, even if he didn't understand their beliefs. The way his kids were his life. The way he laughed.
The selfish and angry part of me wants to scream out and curse the world for taking him away. The part of me at peace counts myself blessed that I had 17 years with him, even though he lived a couple hours away and we didn't see each other often.
Either way, he's my dad.
I love him.
I miss him.
I will always love him.
I will always miss him.
My father has been dead for 10 years. I didn't write about this last week when the anniversary occured. I would like to say it was because I was busy. I would like to say it was because the day passed without me even realizing it was there. I would like to say that after a decade it doesn't really affect me that much.
Those would all be lies.
I knew it was coming. I watched the days pass and the anniversary get closer. I spent many random moments during random days in August upset and crying. I felt lost and confused. Sometimes I found myself still angry at God, even though I'm no longer sure that's a valid response. I talked to dad. I know he can't really hear me, but I voiced words and hopes to him and wondered how different my life would be if he were here.
I looked at th man I will marry in just a few weeks and felt peace, knowing my dad would love him and approve of him and the way he takes care of me. I thought about the future. Not just mine, but the future of my sister and my brothers and my stepmom. I thought about the family I have that I haven't seen in the better part of a decade. I thought about loss. I thought about being 27 and having a piece of my life missing. I thought about the time quickly approaching when my dad will have been dead for more of my life than he was alive.
Mostly, though, I just thought about the great man he was. The way he lived what he said. The way he didn't mince words, but instead said what was on his heart. The way he taught me to love. The way he accepted everyone, even if he didn't understand their beliefs. The way his kids were his life. The way he laughed.
The selfish and angry part of me wants to scream out and curse the world for taking him away. The part of me at peace counts myself blessed that I had 17 years with him, even though he lived a couple hours away and we didn't see each other often.
Either way, he's my dad.
I love him.
I miss him.
I will always love him.
I will always miss him.
8.22.2006
Silence, Stillness, Solitude
My life is lacking all three in some way. Last week there was a lot of solitude, but not the kind that is good for the soul, it was instead the kind that was rough and tiring because I was alone and busy. I had to do the devotion at work this morning, and did it on this passage (and what surrounds it). It's over 3 and 1/2 pages in the book, so I'll just give you part of it.
"Silence is not simply the absence of noise or the shutdown of communication with the outside world, but rather a process of coming to stillness. Silent solitude forges true speech. I'm not speaking of physical isolation; solitude here means being alone with the Alone, experiencing the transcendent Other and growing in awareness of one's identity as the beloved. It is impossible to know another person intimately without spending time together. Silence makes solitude a reality...
...Silent solitude makes true speech possible and personal. If I am not in touch with my own belovedness, then I cannot touch the sacredness of others. Experience has taught me that I connect best with other when I connect with the core of myself. When I allows God to liberate me from unhealthy dependence on people, I listen more attentively, love more unselfishly, and am more compassionate and playful. I take myself less seriously, become aware that the breath of the Father is on my face and my countenance is bright with laughter in the midst of an adventure I thoroughly enjoy...
...Conscientiously 'wasting' time with God enables me to speak and act from greater strength, to forgive rather than nurse the latest bruise to my wounded ego, to be capable of magnanimity during the petty moments of life. In empowers me to lose myself, at least temporarily, against a greater background that the tableau of my fears and insecurities, to merely be still and know that God is God."
-Brennan Manning, Abba's Child
Psalm 46:10 has always been one of my favorite Bible verses. My devotion focused on the fact that I'm pretty good at the "and know that I am God" part of the verse. That stillness thing, on the other hand, needs a lot of work. It is only when we are still and silent before God that we really allow Him to work in our lives. I know that Satan has had a small part in keeping me busy and so focused on the millions of things that I need to do that I haven't been able to be still and silent with God. Instead, I have spent the last several weeks running around like a mad woman, and have ended up tired, withdrawn, short-tempered, and exhausted. It's high time I slowed down and took a deep breath and just enjoyed the presence of God.
"Silence is not simply the absence of noise or the shutdown of communication with the outside world, but rather a process of coming to stillness. Silent solitude forges true speech. I'm not speaking of physical isolation; solitude here means being alone with the Alone, experiencing the transcendent Other and growing in awareness of one's identity as the beloved. It is impossible to know another person intimately without spending time together. Silence makes solitude a reality...
...Silent solitude makes true speech possible and personal. If I am not in touch with my own belovedness, then I cannot touch the sacredness of others. Experience has taught me that I connect best with other when I connect with the core of myself. When I allows God to liberate me from unhealthy dependence on people, I listen more attentively, love more unselfishly, and am more compassionate and playful. I take myself less seriously, become aware that the breath of the Father is on my face and my countenance is bright with laughter in the midst of an adventure I thoroughly enjoy...
...Conscientiously 'wasting' time with God enables me to speak and act from greater strength, to forgive rather than nurse the latest bruise to my wounded ego, to be capable of magnanimity during the petty moments of life. In empowers me to lose myself, at least temporarily, against a greater background that the tableau of my fears and insecurities, to merely be still and know that God is God."
-Brennan Manning, Abba's Child
Psalm 46:10 has always been one of my favorite Bible verses. My devotion focused on the fact that I'm pretty good at the "and know that I am God" part of the verse. That stillness thing, on the other hand, needs a lot of work. It is only when we are still and silent before God that we really allow Him to work in our lives. I know that Satan has had a small part in keeping me busy and so focused on the millions of things that I need to do that I haven't been able to be still and silent with God. Instead, I have spent the last several weeks running around like a mad woman, and have ended up tired, withdrawn, short-tempered, and exhausted. It's high time I slowed down and took a deep breath and just enjoyed the presence of God.
8.16.2006
65 days, a Dress Fitting, and a Diet
I had my dress fitting on saturday. thankfully everything still fit like it should. While there was absolutely no reason that it shouldn't have fit, it still felt really good to have it on and have it look as great as I remember it looking. there was something about actually putting on my dress...the one i will be wearing 65 days from now, that was invigorating. there is nothing more beautiful in the whole world to me (clothes-wise) than that dress. It was a relief to have it fitted and exciting all at the same time.
I am going to do my best to actually mail the wedding invitations tomorrow. i can't believe the time has come for that already, but here it is! How exciting. Getting the RSVPs back and knowing who will be there is such a crazy feeling. I hope everyone we really want to share our special day will be there, I really do. I feel a little guilt still over the kids we're not including and some of the people that may expect to get invited that don't, but i'm sure i'll get over it. i have a feeling actually putting the invitations in the mail will be both liberating and scary at the same time!
The diet went better this week, thankfully. I lost the pound i gained the week before, so now we're back to 6 pounds...6 pounds in a month isn't a bad thing, though! i just have to look at it that way!
I am going to do my best to actually mail the wedding invitations tomorrow. i can't believe the time has come for that already, but here it is! How exciting. Getting the RSVPs back and knowing who will be there is such a crazy feeling. I hope everyone we really want to share our special day will be there, I really do. I feel a little guilt still over the kids we're not including and some of the people that may expect to get invited that don't, but i'm sure i'll get over it. i have a feeling actually putting the invitations in the mail will be both liberating and scary at the same time!
The diet went better this week, thankfully. I lost the pound i gained the week before, so now we're back to 6 pounds...6 pounds in a month isn't a bad thing, though! i just have to look at it that way!
8.15.2006
Things I Don't Have Patience For...
...people who don't have a weight problem constantly complaining about their weight problem
...being constantly interrupted when i'm trying to get something done
...people who don't pay attention to deadlines, but then want me to bend over backward to accomodate them
...speaker phones in almost every situation for almost every reason
...people who want me to choose sides when I don't have a stake in the discussion
...feeling like nothing i say really matters anyway
When I feel like this, what i want to do is either
a. scream at the top of my lungs
b. find a nice quite place to cry
Gotta love stressful weeks, right?
...being constantly interrupted when i'm trying to get something done
...people who don't pay attention to deadlines, but then want me to bend over backward to accomodate them
...speaker phones in almost every situation for almost every reason
...people who want me to choose sides when I don't have a stake in the discussion
...feeling like nothing i say really matters anyway
When I feel like this, what i want to do is either
a. scream at the top of my lungs
b. find a nice quite place to cry
Gotta love stressful weeks, right?
8.09.2006
72 Days...Have I Mentioned Time is Flying?
I think this is the first post I've done using the new internet access in our apartment. Yes, I just said our apartment, even though I don't get to live there for another 72 days. It feels more like home than my apartment lately, which would be obvious to anyone who actually was IN my apartment any time in the last several weeks. I used to pride myself on being a good housekeeper and keeping my home in fairly clean condition. However, I am now finding myself looking around at the mess and wondering when I'll be there long enough to actually clean it up. Hopefully that will be on the agenda sometime this weekend.
72 short days until I'm married. 72 days until I don't have to say goodbye when I say goodnight. 72 days until I get to be Mrs. Emily Bedwell forever. Yay! Can you tell I'm a little excited? Excited probably isn't even the right word anymore. Giddy is a good one. Glowing? Check.
Tim and I purchased our wedding bands this weekend. How fun! It was almost surreal, but in a good way. I loved picking them out, putting it on, and even paying for it. Another big step closer, that's for sure. The dress fitting is this weekend. it stresses me out a little. i haven't actually pulled my dress out of it's bag since I bought it, so the idea of trying it on is a little surreal. But, it should help in the whole weight loss thing. I was running late this morning, so I didn't have time to jump on the scale. I will do that tomorrow. Thinking about the dress fitting makes my stomach hurt, I'll be honest, so I probably won't be eating a whole lot between now and then!
In the world of freelance writing, I actually got two jobs this week. One is to review a book and the other is to write some keyword articles. All told, it should be a decent amount of money, which is exciting. A girl I used to work with recently reminded me that I have a gift with my writing that I shouldn't give up just because I'm busy. I'm hoping that her words will continue to echo in my heart and give me the time and energy to invest in what I most want to do-write.
Here's my favorite Billy Joel quote of the day: "Does it touch you when the rain begins to fall?"
72 short days until I'm married. 72 days until I don't have to say goodbye when I say goodnight. 72 days until I get to be Mrs. Emily Bedwell forever. Yay! Can you tell I'm a little excited? Excited probably isn't even the right word anymore. Giddy is a good one. Glowing? Check.
Tim and I purchased our wedding bands this weekend. How fun! It was almost surreal, but in a good way. I loved picking them out, putting it on, and even paying for it. Another big step closer, that's for sure. The dress fitting is this weekend. it stresses me out a little. i haven't actually pulled my dress out of it's bag since I bought it, so the idea of trying it on is a little surreal. But, it should help in the whole weight loss thing. I was running late this morning, so I didn't have time to jump on the scale. I will do that tomorrow. Thinking about the dress fitting makes my stomach hurt, I'll be honest, so I probably won't be eating a whole lot between now and then!
In the world of freelance writing, I actually got two jobs this week. One is to review a book and the other is to write some keyword articles. All told, it should be a decent amount of money, which is exciting. A girl I used to work with recently reminded me that I have a gift with my writing that I shouldn't give up just because I'm busy. I'm hoping that her words will continue to echo in my heart and give me the time and energy to invest in what I most want to do-write.
Here's my favorite Billy Joel quote of the day: "Does it touch you when the rain begins to fall?"
8.02.2006
80 days...
Okay, so i promise i won't update with the countdown every day!
Tim finished paying off the honeymoon today. YAY!
This week I only lost 1/2 a pound, but considering the huge weight loss the week before and being on 'vacation' with my parents all weekend, still pretty good overall.
My face is peeling because of my air show related sunburn. It hurts, but it's getting a bit better. Hopefully by Jenny's wedding this weekend I won't look quite so scary. on the plus side, I haven't worn makeup all week and it doesn't matter at all!
Tim finished paying off the honeymoon today. YAY!
This week I only lost 1/2 a pound, but considering the huge weight loss the week before and being on 'vacation' with my parents all weekend, still pretty good overall.
My face is peeling because of my air show related sunburn. It hurts, but it's getting a bit better. Hopefully by Jenny's wedding this weekend I won't look quite so scary. on the plus side, I haven't worn makeup all week and it doesn't matter at all!
8.01.2006
81 Days...
Tim and I are getting married in 81 days! How insane is that? We gave ourselves just under a year to plan the wedding, and here it is under 3 months away! Things are going really well. The invitations are finished, with the exception of a few that we still need to find the addresses for, I just spoke to the lady that is doing all the bouquets and she's hard at work, and I called the cake lady and told her about the reception location change. So, things are quickly getting crossed off the list. Tim and I are buying our wedding bands this weekend, too.
Yesterday we celebrated the three year anniversary of our first date. While it is amazing to me that it has been three years already, I am even more amazed that I get to spend the rest of my life with Tim, loving him and looking toward the future together. I know that God has great things in store for our lives, and I'm excited to see how everything plays out. I am also excited just to take it a day at a time, try not to plan too much into the future, and allow God to mold and shape us into what He desires us to be, both as a couple and individually.
It was a wonderful, low-key day yesterday, which was much needed. I remember our first date, the first time we held hands, our first kiss, saying I love you, the first time I felt completely safe in his arms, when I knew I wanted to be his forever...and everything in between. It has been a great three years or learning about each other, loving each other, and growing together. I look forward to continuing to do so for the rest of our lives.
My prayer for our relationship is that God continues to reveal Himself and His plan for our lives to us. That God is patient and kind to us as we learn to live and love together forever. That God keeps us flexible enough that we are willing to change and be changed because of our commitment to each other and to Him. That we will continue to love each other through everything, knowing that God is going to do a great work in our lives.
Yesterday we celebrated the three year anniversary of our first date. While it is amazing to me that it has been three years already, I am even more amazed that I get to spend the rest of my life with Tim, loving him and looking toward the future together. I know that God has great things in store for our lives, and I'm excited to see how everything plays out. I am also excited just to take it a day at a time, try not to plan too much into the future, and allow God to mold and shape us into what He desires us to be, both as a couple and individually.
It was a wonderful, low-key day yesterday, which was much needed. I remember our first date, the first time we held hands, our first kiss, saying I love you, the first time I felt completely safe in his arms, when I knew I wanted to be his forever...and everything in between. It has been a great three years or learning about each other, loving each other, and growing together. I look forward to continuing to do so for the rest of our lives.
My prayer for our relationship is that God continues to reveal Himself and His plan for our lives to us. That God is patient and kind to us as we learn to live and love together forever. That God keeps us flexible enough that we are willing to change and be changed because of our commitment to each other and to Him. That we will continue to love each other through everything, knowing that God is going to do a great work in our lives.
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