The Last Minute

There's nothing like waiting until the last minute to do something that is, in all honesty, a pretty big deal. It's true, I just consolidated my student loans today. Tomorrow the interest rates are supposed to rise. It took like 4 hours to get on the website and get everything done. It was a mess. But, now it's over, and that makes me very happy. Hopefully it'll save me money and hopefully it's a good idea.

It's funny how smart people (yes, i'm talking about myself) can do really dumb things like waiting until 12 hours before interest rates are supposed to rise to do something about it.

It took a lot of my brain power.

I'm tired now.

Things You Can Change...And Things You Can't

There are some things you can change about yourself and some things that you can't. Over the years of my life, I have realized this--mostly when I try and change things about myself that I don't know that I have any control over. Now, I know some people would say that I'm being ridiculous and that I can change anything about myself...but I just don't believe that. Don't understand? Here are some examples.

Things that can be changed:

Hairstyle and cut. My hair will always be naturally curly, but I can straighten it, color it, and cut it however many times I want. It just usually looks the same because I LIKE the way it looks.

Another thing I can change about myself is my weight. I'm overweight. And I HATE it. But, I can do something about it. While I will never be stick-thin and weight 100 pounds, I can lose weight and be more comfortable with my body. Case in point: I'm going to the beach on vacation in a few weeks. I decided that I wanted to lose 10 pounds before vacation. Granted, I'd like to lose more than that, but I wanted to set a realistic goal. Well, with three weeks to go, I've already lost 5 pounds. It may not seem like much, but 5 pounds in three weeks is not bad, considering. So, three more weeks and I will probably lose that other 5 pounds. Like I said, my weight has always been something I have struggled with, and will probably struggle with all my life. But, I can take steps to make it less of a struggle, if I try.

Things that I cannot change:

Being insecure. Sure, it gets better and worse, and it's not like I can't function, but I will always have some sort of insecurity. Being told you're not good enough and a little worthless for long enough, and it's not something you can turn off. Maybe it's mental, but I don't know that I'll ever really be as secure and confident as people seem to think I should be. And what is obnoxious is that my insecurities manifest themselves in very strange ways. This week, it's because of someone I work with. Don't get me wrong, I like her a lot and think she's very talented and probably going to be very good at her job, but I feel sort of...left out. The funny thing is, I KNOW it's ridiculous and it shouldn't matter, but I just can't shake it.

Maybe I should explain...no, is too much...let me sum up (and if you know the movie, you're on my favorite people list!!)

There used to be an employee here who wasn't quite as competent as she should have been. As a result, I spent some time helping out the media ministry with various little things. She's gone and the new assistant is really good. So, they don't really need my help anymore. And that should be a good thing. That IS a good thing. But, at the same time, it's hard for me. I've realized that I'm one of those people who really thrives on positive affirmation. I'm one of those people who likes to feel like I'm needed and I'm contributing to the greater good of something. And, now that is gone, at least in the form I most liked. I know it's ridiculous and probably doesn't make sense to anyone, but that's how it is. I felt like I was part of the ministry -- like I was part of the team -- and now that's gone. Instead, I feel like now I'm just another camera operator (not that that isn't important, because it is!) whose sole ministry contribution can be summed up in my Sunday morning availability and whether or not I'll be around for a special event of one kind or the other.

I know that I won't be asked to help out as much. I know my opinion will not be sought as much. I know it's not a big deal and it shouldn't matter and I should be excited for the guys. And I am--for them--they need someone who can do the job and do it well. It's just going to be an adjustment to not feel as 'needed' anymore. You know what I hate the most about feeling like this? I KNOW it's petty and dumb!

Anyway, I've decided that this is something I've struggled with my whole life. And, because I would like to change it, but I can't, it must be something that I can't change. You can't change how you feel things. You can't change how you hurt and love and react to different situations. It's part of the way you're made, right?

What is the World Coming To?

I'm not quite sure what the world is coming to when "Dancing with the Stars" is the number one show in the country for two weeks in a row. I find that disturbing. I find that scary. There must literally be nothing on when Evander Holyfield and Joey McIntire dancing with anorexic former 'superstar' dancers is the number one draw in the country. Honestly. And what happened to Mr. McIntire doing WICKED? At least the dancing in there meant something.

Maybe I'm being too cynical. Maybe I should just watch it and see what the draw is.

Or maybe I should rip my toenails out one at a time...

If I Ruled the World

I got this from my blog-friend Katie's blog. I added a category at the bottom--hope she doesn't mind!

If I Ruled the World...
And could dictate how people spend their free time, at least a little of it...
A Meme by Katie P.

Movies I would make everyone watch, at least once: "The Princess Bride," "Garden State," "Finding Nemo," "Star Wars," "Dead Poets Society," "Wait Until Dark," "High Fidelity," all three "Lord of the Rings" movies, "One Hour Photo," "Return to Me," "Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind," "The Usual Suspects," "Finding Neverland," "Awakenings."

TV shows I would make everyone watch, at least once: "The Wonder Years," "Family Guy," "Lost," "Alias," "CSI"(Las Vegas), "House," "The Dead Zone."

Books I would make everyone read: "The Ragamuffin Gospel" by Brennan Manning; "The Sound & The Fury" by William Faulkner; "Don Quixote" by Miguel de Cervantes; "The Giver" by Lois Lowry; "Under the Big Sky" by Trevor Romain; "I, Robot" by Isaac Asimov; "Captivating" and "Wild at Heart" by John & Staci Eldridge; "The Once & Future King" by T.H. White; "The Picture of Dorian Gray" by Oscar Wilde.

Games everyone would know how to play -- and enjoy: Hotels, Aunt Mary's, Loaded Questions, Rummy 500, Cranium, Hit the Deck.

Songs I would make people listen to -- really listen to: "Vienna" by Billy Joel, "If You Want Me To" by Ginny Owens, "100 Years" by Five for Fighting, "Reasons Why" by Nickel Creek, "Blessed Be Your Name" by Matt Redman, "Perimeter of Me" by Ellery (formerly Dividing the Plunder)."

Theatre I would make people see, at least once: "Rent," "Wicked," "Les Miserables," "Death of a Salesman," "The Music Man," "The Blue Man Group," "Our Town," "The Glass Menagerie," "The Secret Garden."

And just so you know, I don't think I've EVER added that many links to anything...ever!

The Longest Day of the Year

Today is the longest day of the year. Really. It's the first day of summer, and the sun will be out longer today than any other time of the year. I love that. I hate that it means the days will slowly begetting shorter, but I'm not here to focus on the negative. Instead, let us all enjoy the beautiful day today and love the fact that the sun is going to be bright for a long time today!

Nothing huge happened over the weekend. We went to see Batman Begins. It was very good. Dark and kind of scary, but my favorite Batman of the series. (which probably has something to do with the fact that the Dark Knight is Christian Bale and he's one of my favorite actors). The thought of your darkest fears coming to life creeped me out, but it was totally worth watching. Still up on the movies I want to see list: Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, War of the Worlds, RENT, Harry Potter & the Goblet of Fire, The Brothers Grimm, Charlie & The Chocolate Factory, The Chronicles of Narnia, and Crash (and those are just the ones I can think of right now...I'm sure there will be others!) In fact, I think I will make a new link on the side of my blog - movies to see!!

I'm meeting with a woman today about doing transcription and proofreading. I'm excited because it'll be extra income from home, which is ALWAYS a good thing. I need extra money, and being able to do it in my pajamas on my couch is awfully appealing.

Other than that, I'm fighting summer cold #2, which just stinks, but it isn't as bad as last time! My grandmother's 70th birthday party is this weekend in Huntertown. Tim & I are heading to the great wide world of Albion Friday for the party. Should be fun. I'm kind of nervous about him meeting all my family, but I guess that's to be expected. Don't get me wrong, I love them all, but they're all different from me. Not Christian, but still family. Hilarious and I love them. Should be an adventure!

Breathing Deep

Well, it's been one of those weeks. We had VBX (yeah, it's usually VBS, but this year we did the "Vacation Bible eXperience" instead) this week, which meant lots of kids running around in the mornings. I only helped out three of the five days, but it was still insane. They learned a lot and managed to raise over 4,000 to send to Amor Ministries for our Mexico Family Camp, so that's good. Speaking of Family Camp, that's where a lot of our ministers will be next week. And the guy that does the printing of our bulletins and newsletter...so this week I had to do two bulletins, a newsletter, and the first draft of the church directory! WEE!

Right now i'm trying to search my way through the 10,000 plus people in our database so we can do a mass delete and get a lot of them out of the system. There's no reason to have all those people in there when about 1/2 of them are old and just not accurate records.

I've not been sleeping well this week. I'm not sure why. When I was little, I always had to have classical music playing to fall asleep. As an adult, the music has been replaced with the TV more often than not. Sometimes I think I need to go back to the music - it was relaxing and peaceful and not a story I could accidently get involved in while trying to just go to bed already.

Pay it Forward was on last night while I was trying to go to sleep. That blasted movie makes me cry like a little kid every single time I see it. Last night I only caught the last 10 minutes or so, and it still had me in tears. I love movies, but ones that hurt so much to watch, like that one, I just can't watch more than once. It started over again immediately after it was over (because, apparently, TNT thinks people like to watch the same movie over and over and over and over again) and I couldn't even watch the first 5 minutes. I knew what was going to happen, I knew how rough it was and how sad it was, and I didn't want to deal with it. So, I fell asleep last night with the image of all those people holding their candles at the end. Nice. REAL restful sleep that was. GRRR.

I have nothing very earth-shattering or exciting to say today. It's just another day!!

A Rant In Response

Now that I have the oven mitt rant out of my head, here are some real thoughts. I think I am a fairly kind a gracious person. I laugh a lot and enjoy my life. I think I am patient with people (not as patient as I COULD be, but more than I used to be) and that I do my best at my job consistently. Therefore, it really bothers me when people use veiled allegory and comments to demean me and my job. I know most of the time they probably don't mean it or don't know what they are saying, but it still pisses me off. While I laugh at most of a certain person's comments, she has still really bothered me...telling me she's 'more than JUST a secretary' when I was a secretary, belittling my relationship by wondering how anyone can be in love because she's not in love, looking for pity everywhere she goes...I usually just laugh it off. (mostly because I don't think she understands at all what she says)

However, reading her blog today just bothered me. She likes to put all the blame on her performance here on the fact that they took the publications from her (and gave them to me) and they never used her skills and never gave her authority, blah blah blah...

Honey, those are things you have to EARN--they don't just get dropped in your lap. When you don't do the job you're given well, how do you expect them to give you more authority? When words are constantly misspelled on slides for 3000 people to read and important events are tainted because words are wrong and slides are missing, how can you expect to be given more authority. The funny thing is I interviewed for the very job she got, and I knew from that first interview that my responsibilities would be primarily admin assistant, not 50% (or more) publications. She never seemed to get that, though.

What bothers me the most is that she thinks her bosses were bad bosses. Sure, they're not perfect, but they didn't expect much from her--to show up, do the tasks to which she was assigned, and do them to the best of her ability. She may have talked to our personnel guy several times, but they talked to her just as often. They did what they could to help and it didn't get better. Don't go blaming everything on them.

Anyway, I was just rubbed the wrong way this morning...

Just so you know....

I am sooooo glad Arby's got rid of that %^&# Oven Mitt. I hated that stupid thing.

Seasons of Love

Wow. That's all I can say. Liz just sent me the link to the first trailer for RENT, the movie. I will openly admit I haven't been looking forward to this, convinced that they never could do a musical that is so important to me and means so much and is attached to so many memories any sort of justice by doing it on screen. I was CONVINCED, in fact, that they would ruin the story for a whole new generation of people who see it as only a sick story about homosexuality, aids, and perversion. However, that couldn't be farther from what the musical is about. Anyway, back to my fears about the movie.

I couldn't have been more wrong.

It is going to be phenomenal.

This is by far one of my favorite quotes about RENT.

Rent is about being young in New York; being brave and being scared; being in love and being in trouble; having hope for today and faith in tomorrow.

Few things in this world annoy me as much as people who just don't get it. People who don't understand why a 3 minute trailer for a movie not coming out until November can make me cry. People who don't understand that the thought of watching Anthony Rapp and Adam Pascal singing "What You Own" with all the passion and anger and emotion that the song brings to me each time...it leaves me speechless. The limits of the stage are going to be torn down, and the sweeping story of RENT is going to go places Jonathan Larson could never have dreamed. With so much of the original cast back for the film, it has to be nothing short of magical to work on the story every day for so long. Those were the people that first made RENT come alive for me, when all I had was the original cast recording and no idea what seeing it would really do to me.

RENT is about passion. RENT is about love. RENT is about letting go. RENT is about being.

November has never seemed farther away.

Have You Seen This Man?

This is a police sketch of a man who robbed a liquor store in Greenfield, Indiana last week. I was at Liz's apartment when this came on the TV...and we proceeded to laugh until we cried. I'm sorry, but does he NOT look like an alien to you, too? I think you would know if you saw him walking down the street...goodness! HA! HA! HA!

see the likeness?

Where I've Been

Since the last post, there have been some things happening. Tim has been to Europe (and back!). My co-worker, Audrey, whom I work with the closest, has decided to retire at the end of July. They're looking for someone to replace her. That leaves four, yes count them, four open positions at the church right now - Business Manager, Worship Minister, Adult Ed Minister, and Media/Worship Assistant. Wow. Things are changing a lot around here.

I went home for a long weekend last week, which is one of the reasons for the lack of posts...the computer at home is a wee bit slow and hard to deal with most of the time. I don't know if I could ever do the dial-up connection thing again. They just make me crazy. Anyway, it was really good to be home. Mom took Thursday and Friday off, as well, so we got to hang out a lot, go shopping, play games, and do all that fun stuff that we always do together. We also went to see Star Wars Episode III. It was the best of the 'new three,' that's for sure. A little more story, a little less cheesy dialogue, and answered most of my questions about what happened before "Star Wars." Not that I really had any burning questions, but anyway. Watching the transformation to evil was interesting. There was something sinister about everything, but at the end you felt-satisfied-because everything came full circle.

Tim is back. I'm so glad. It sounds like he had a great trip, and that also makes me glad. They saw a lot, did a lot, and came back alive and happy. I'm glad he went, I'm glad he did it, but I'm glad there are no more big trips on the horizon right now. I kinda like having him around. I don't know how people like Meagan do it--the person they love being gone all the time. I guess it's just something you get used to, but I don't ever really WANT to get used to it. Hopefully I never will. I cried more than I should have on the way back from dropping him off at the airport, but I have to admit he was right - it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Don't get me wrong, it still sucked, but it went fast.