Spell Check

"And by the way Y-O-U apostrophe R-E is you are. Y-O-U-R is your!"
-Ross to Rachel on friends

Okay, as my mother would agree, I used to be a horrible speller. I mean, we're talking BAD. It was the subject of many hilarious discussions between my mother and I as I grew, that's for sure. However, somewhere through the years, I actually figured it out. Now I'm actually a good speller. Sure, I have my moments, as does everyone, but honestly, I do not understand how some people just don't get it or don't care.

I just got back from a quick run to Burger King for lunch. I was starving and it was close. Anyway, I was already annoyed when I saw that the drive-thru notice still said "due to the recent hurricanes in Florida..." uhhh...there is nothing recent about those hurricanes, but whatever...and then I pull around the the window to pay and there is this sign taped to the glass:

EFFEVTIVE
MARCH 29, 2005
WE WILL NO LONGER HAVE
99 CENT WOPPERS ON TUES/THURS.
INSTEAD WE WILL HAVE WHOPPERS
2 FOR $3 EVERY DAY

oh my goodness...two things. 1st of all EFFEVTIVE is NOT a word. Anyone who saw or hung up the sign should have known that. 2nd of all, the WHOPPER is your signature item--it sure seems like you could spell it correctly! I almost wanted to just cancel my order and drive away. I know it's just a sign, but could someone who works there not fix it? Heck, if they don't have a printer on the premises, they should just write it on a plain piece of paper! I would much rather see something handwritten, even if it is sloppy, than two have two HUGE spelling errors like that on a sign I had to work beside, you know?

I know 90% of the population doesn't care at all, but I also know Tim and Liz totally understand what I'm saying...

(and as a side-note, I just ran spell check on this blog, and even the blogger spell check picked up the two words that were spelled wrong on the sign!)

The Fog is Lifting

After about two weeks of...just not feeling like myself...the fog is lifting. I don't know why. Maybe it is the sunshine outside that is finally showing through the clouds and it's stopped raining; at least for a moment. Maybe it's the fact that I got to spend a quality evening with the man I love. Maybe it's because we talked a lot. Maybe it's because I fell in love with him all over again last night. I don't know what it is, but I'm glad it came. I was starting to drive even myself crazy, quite honestly.

Today is going to be a great day. As is every day. Why? Because I am loved. Because I am cherished. Because it's okay to be me. Because life is a great mystery.

There is one side of my multiple personalities that I hate. The insecure side. I wish I could kill her, banish her to the farthest edges of who I am and never allow her to have control over my mind and heart. I know that the insecure side is where Satan can make the most impact and make the most noise. The insecure side is where he is the most vocal, and for that reason and so many others, I HATE HER! I know she is part of me and I should be okay with that, but honestly!!

Anyway, today is going to be a good day.

I Thought Today Would Be Better...

I've been struggling with a lot lately. Maybe not a lot, but a few things, nonetheless. And, I was convinced that today would be a better day. That I would be more understanding. That the world would make more sense. That I would stop letting other things steal my joy. That I would be more patient. That there would be more peace.

That lasted for about an hour and a half.

Then I got to work and all it took was a "you'll never guess what so and so did for so and so" and I find myself once again near-tears, fighting my own frustrations and insecurities and fears. I have been holding so much at bay, and so much of it came crashing down on my way home from work last night. So much came pouring out...and I guess it's just not done coming yet.

I had a brief, less than five minute, discussion with a friend last night. He is a minister at my church, but he is also a friend and he is genuinely interested in my life and concerned about me. Even though it was just a simple conversation about his struggles and how I'm doing, it reminded me that God is here and God is good. Now, I just need to figure out how not to allow myself to be consumed...

Comparisons

"If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans." (Desiderata)

I have found myself comparing my life and myself to others as of late. It is not something I like about myself at all, but something that seems to be happening more often that it should. And, when I compare, I often find my world lacking, and then I get depressed and upset about silly things that I shouldn't let bother me. More than that, it feels very selfish, and I REALLY don't like that! I know I am not a selfish person, but I feel it happening in my life, and I hate it.

I don't know why we are so disposed to comparing ourselves to others...or maybe I should say, I don't know why I am so disposed to comparing myself to others. I don't want to over-generalize, because I am sure not everyone is as...guilty...of it as I am. It's not that I don't have a great life, because I do. And it's not that I so much want what other people have...I just don't know how to explain it. I know this all sounds very cryptic, and I'm sorry for that. I guess I thought I had something to say today, and I am finding it hard to put into words what I am feeling in my heart.

There are such good and great things happening all around me, and I love that. I love the people around me that are experiencing such amazing blessings in their life, and I love the people around me that are feeling things they have never felt and believing in things they never thought possible. I love so much for them, so why do I lessen my own joy for them by then immediately comparing our lives.

And, if I am honest, the opposite is also true. When people are going through tough times, I feel much empathy and sympathy for them, but part of me looks at my life and says "Thank goodness it's not me." I'm sure I'm not the only one who does that.

Maybe it's all an issue of honesty; am I being honest with myself? am I being honest with others? am I being honest with my God? And if I am, then great. If not, what am I hiding? What am I afraid to let out? What am I afraid to say, do, and believe?

The quote at the beginning of this blog is from the poem "Desiderata." It is one of my favorites for many reasons. I think it has a great message, of course, but it was also something that hung in my dad's house the whole time he was alive, so reading it reminds me of him. Here is all of it:

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, Copyright 1952.

Moment to Moment

It's funny how things can affect your mood. I woke up this morning to birds chirping and the sun trying to peek in around my blinds. It made me laugh and wake up happy. I took a quick shower, sat on my bed, and enjoyed the feel of the sun beating down on me as I tried to motivate myself to sit at a computer on the first truly beautiful day of Spring (even if Spring is technically still a couple days away).

And then I got to work. Someone I used to be really close friends with and I were supposed to have lunch today. Actually, we were supposed to have lunch or dinner sometime last week, but she cancelled on me last week at the last minute. I joked with myself this morning before I left my apartment about taking lunch, but decided that was rude and she wouldn't really do it again. So, around 9:30, I haven't heard anything from her. I send her a quick "are we still on for lunch" email...and no, we're not. Something has come up. Which I would like to understand, and I do to some extent, but at the same time, I'm like COME ON! If it's just not that important to you, then say that. She, of course, suggested sometime next week...but I have a lot going on next week and it's the week before Easter and a good friend is going to Austria on Thursday and there's a lot I'd like to do. So, my guess is she'll get all pissy because I told her that I was pretty busy next week and then I won't hear from her for awhile. It just put me in a bad mood. I know it's nothing against me, but when it keeps happening over and over and over again, it starts to feel like it actually is something against you, you know? I'm sure we've all been there and all felt that way, but it's still SOOOO frustrating to me.

Anyway, so that's been my morning so far. I'm getting ready to go out and run some errands, so hopefully some sunshine will make me feel a little less grumpy!!!

I love cheesy church signs. This one used to say : "The best vitamin for a Christian is B1." Someone reworded it using every letter but th "NI" at the bottom. The funniest part was that it was up ALL day long! 

Random Thoughts

There seems to be a lot I think about writing on this blog lately, but when it comes time to write, I don't know what to say and what to keep more personal. Anyway, here are some thoughts I've had as of late, in no particular order. Some are funny, some are serious, all are real...

• I went to the dr yesterday for a rash on my legs. she gave me all sorts of oitments and stuff like that to help get rid of it. Her directions for the stuff i'm supposed to put on before I go to bed...put on the ointment and then wrap the infected part of my legs in saran wrap. Right...so, I hate the itchy legs so I did it. As I was wrapping my calves in saran wrap, I had the thought that I was marinating myself overnight to cook the next day. It was extremely funny to me at 11 last night, but no one was around to laugh!
• Even though I was running late this morning, I finally took the time to paint my nails. They're reasonably long and healthy, so I figured now was as good of time as ever. So, my nails are a bubble-gum pink to match my here comes spring attitude.
• My dear and lovely friend Liz is happy and falling in love with a great guy (at least from what I know about him never having met him...yet!) She's excited and bubbly and trying really hard to not start planning the wedding, even though they're both pretty sure this is it for both of them. I'm really excited for her and to see her happy. I love everything she's experiencing, and am learning a lot from her about how all relationships are different. She's in the midst of something magical, and that is very exciting. It will be fun seeing where this is headed and where she is in three months, six months, or a year.
• I went to see Hairspray last Saturday (again, thanks to Liz and her super cool job). It was a lot of fun, and made me feel okay about not being stick-thin (or any other version of thin) for awhile. It's just a fun musical about a girl who refuses to be anything but who she is, which is a great little message in the middle of an upbeat and fun musical. If the tour is coming anywhere near you, I'd highly suggest you see it.
• I get more junk email in my work account than anywhere else. I'm not sure why, but I'm tired of it!
• I'm still struggling with wanting to know and plan everything right now. It's not that I'm unsettled or anxious; it's more that I'm just excited about the possibilities in the future and want them to begin right away. I have a feeling God is trying to teach me something about patience. I have a feeling this is a lesson I'm never quite going to learn. I used to be pretty good at the one day at a time thing, but lately it's been a lot harder for me to do. I wish I knew why!

Screaming Inside

Do you ever have those days where you feel like you're screaming as loud as your body will let you scream--but it's only on the inside, where no one can hear it but you? That seems to be me today. On the outside, I seem fine. Calm. Collected. But on the inside I feel like I'm screaming as loud as a person can scream. I don't really know what I'm saying, but that does not really seem to matter that much to me. It's just the knowledge that I am screaming so loud.

I bought the Garden State soundtrack. I've been doing a good job of not buying a bunch of random stuff, but I have been picking it up and almost buying it since the day Liz and I watched the movie over a month ago. Since then, I have wanted to listen to the soundtrack so often that spending the 9.72 on it was okay. When you open the CD case and look at the back of the liner notes is this quote:

"Good Luck Exploring the Infinite Abyss."

That seems to be me at the moment. I feel like I am exploring the infinite abyss inside of myself, and I feel like I'm standing on top of some construction equipment and yelling as loud as I can into the nothingness. I think that would be very therapeutic, that's for sure. To just go outside and yell as loud and as long as I can and just get everything that is inside making me frustrated and sad out and just leave it in the abyss. However, that is not possible.

I realized last night that I am pretty good at keeping things bottled inside. At least I'm good at keeping it all inside when I am around other people. I don't often get my feelings hurt, and I usually don't let on that something has upset or bothered me, but then it just eats at me and makes the infinite abyss that much deeper. My feelings got hurt yesterday, and I haven't said anything to the person who hurt them because it seems like such a little thing. And, in all reality, it was a little thing, but it still hurt me and I felt it the rest of the night (and still feel it today). I'm not holding a grudge and I've moved on from the hurt, but it still lingers. I know I should say something, and I know sometime I will. But, like I said, it is such a silly little thing it's not worth getting into, in my own mind. So, I've been doing my best to hide how I'm still feeling a little today. And, as far as I can tell, the only person who has really asked if I am okay is Liz, who hasn't seen me or heard my voice, but can tell by the way I write silly nothing emails to her. That speaks volumes to me about our friendship.

So there you have it folks. I'm in a blah kind of mood today. The kind where the littlest thing can make you happy and the littlest thing can make you cry.

Untitled

I don't know how to title this post because I don't know what I'm going to end up saying on it. Between Monday and Tuesday I was at work almost 24 hours, so I'm a bit tired. Yesterday was spent in Covington at the Garden of Hope, which is a replica of the garden tomb that held the body of Christ. We were taping a video for our next sermon series, CSI Jerusalem. It was fun and hard work and really cold, but it's done. Now the boys just have to edit it before next week. Wee. I love Easter, but it's hard on everyone when you work at a church-so much that has to be done and so much to do...YIKES. But, it will all get done, right on time.

My cold and general yucky feeling-ness is back after I thought it FINALLY went away. Again, I'm sure it has something to do with the fact that we were outside in the 24 degree weather (and that was before the windchill) for several hours. My face is dry and wind-burned today and I'm back to being stuffy and congested, which is no fun. Again, this too will pass, right?

I feel like there's a lot going on in my life right now, but at the same time, I feel like I'm just standing still. I saw my mom for the first time since her diagnosis a couple weekends ago. It was really good to see her and really good to hug her and just be close to her. The cancer still doesn't always seem real, but I guess that's just part of it. She seems to be doing okay with the treatments, and everything is on target, but it's still something I think about on a daily basis.

Sickness has been running rampant around the office. I think everyone has had a touch of something in the last couple weeks; I'm just hoping the stomach flu, viral infection, inflamed esophogus, whatever else stuff stays away. The good thing about working upstairs and having my office upstairs is that I am not around as many people every day, which means less sickness to deal with...at least I hope that's what it means!!

What else can I ramble about? My fish, Creamsicle, is back to being creamsicle colored. Awhile ago, she started turning black--her fins and stuff--and then she started going back to normal. So, who knows. I changed all the water in their tank (yes, I know you're not supposed to do that, but there was a lot of sickness and random medications in the water) and now it's really clear and the fish seem much happier. I didn't realize there was so much work involved in taking care of fish, but I enjoy it. They make me happy and they make me smile, and that is what is important.

I've been thinking a lot about the future lately. Not sure why, per say, just a lot on my mind, I guess. No definite conclusions about anything, and no reason to start thinking about anything, but I've begun to wonder where my life will be in year, in two years, in five. I enjoy my job, but there really isn't a lot about it that challenges me, so will I still be here in another few years? Will I still be in Bloomington, living in my apartment, etc? I don't need to know the answers to any of these questions, but I have begun asking them again. I think it's just part of the spring, renewal thing. After the dark of winter, we start looking toward the future and the bright life of spring. And, I've been at my job for almost 3 years. Well, it will be three years on March 23. Not sure what that means. I've been out of college for four years, working at the church for three, dating tim for almost two. The years have all started to fly by. I told a friend last night that sometimes I still feel like I'm playing pretend grown-up. I don't know; it seems strange to think that I will turn 26 in just a few weeks, 7 to be exact, and that somehow seems much more grown up than 25. I don' t know...sometimes I still feel like I'm 10 and sometimes I feel much older than my years would indicate.

So yeah, nothing noteworthy or earth-shattering here. Just another day, another cold, another list of things to do, and another series of limitless questions running through my brain.