despite my general annoyance today, this song is beautiful and speaks to my heart...
"Did it feel like a night any different
Then at least a million before
Was there any rare expectation
Like there was some kind of somethin' in store
Did the sky have to hold back the thunder
Did the moon find new reasons to glow
Could the children somehow sense the wonder
2000 Decembers Ago
Were the sheep as amazed as the shepherds
At the new star that lit up the sky
Did the willow trees whisper excitement
To the rivers and streams passing by
Did the joy ricochet off the mountains
'Til it filled up the valleys below
Did all the world sense love abounding
2000 Decembers Ago
Was anyone able to look at the stable
And not see a child but a King
I wish I could hear back over the years
As heaven & nature sing, heaven and nature sing.
Did the walls of the barn start to tremble
With a glory they could not contain
Did anyone wake with the feeling
Of peace that they could not explain
Oh the love must have been overwhelming
As it warmed everyone in its flow
For all of the earth is still telling
Of 2000 Decembers ago
Was anyone able to look at the stable
And not see a child but a King
I wish I could hear back over the years
As heaven and nature sing, heaven and nature sing
Oh the love must have been overwhelming
2000 Decembers Ago"
-Joy Williams
12.21.2004
Today I say GGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRR
I’ve been feeling very out of sorts lately. And I’ve also been feeling a little bit selfish. I hate that, because selfishness seems to breed discontent and jealousy and apathy…none of those being things I want to be known for or even have in my life.
I find myself often asking if this is all there is to my life or if there is more to it than this. Is this where I am supposed to work? Is this where I am supposed to live? Is this where He would have me be? I am not uncomfortable or anything such as that at my job; but there is little that inspires me on Monday morning anymore. I am happy in Bloomington, and know I have a great life, so why is there always a longing for something new? Something different? Something more? Why do I (and why do we all) not allow ourselves to be comfortable and content with the way things are going? Why do we always want to know more of the story and what is coming later? Why do we want to know the answers before we really know what questions we are asking? Why can we not focus on today instead of worrying about tomorrow…or yesterday, for that matter.
We are expecting a bunch of snow this evening through tomorrow. Should be interesting weather, to say the least….there is a strange mix of joy and melancholy that surrounds the holiday season for me; joy because of the season—because there is so much to love and rejoice and believe and experience. The melancholy comes at strange times. Not sadness, not depression, just deep thought. Today I am frustrated with little, trivial things…so much that needs to be done and no motivation to do it. Instead of tackling issues in my life head-on, I want to just ignore them and hope they go away. I am not comfortable with myself or my body. I feel like I am on the outside, looking in at the world. There is so much I want to say, but there are so few words that make any sense.
Instead of dealing with everything, I want to just scream and cry and be done with it all.
But don’t get me wrong. I am not unhappy…I am just frustrated. And since there is no magic pill to make that frustration to away, I will remain as such for the time being.
I find myself often asking if this is all there is to my life or if there is more to it than this. Is this where I am supposed to work? Is this where I am supposed to live? Is this where He would have me be? I am not uncomfortable or anything such as that at my job; but there is little that inspires me on Monday morning anymore. I am happy in Bloomington, and know I have a great life, so why is there always a longing for something new? Something different? Something more? Why do I (and why do we all) not allow ourselves to be comfortable and content with the way things are going? Why do we always want to know more of the story and what is coming later? Why do we want to know the answers before we really know what questions we are asking? Why can we not focus on today instead of worrying about tomorrow…or yesterday, for that matter.
We are expecting a bunch of snow this evening through tomorrow. Should be interesting weather, to say the least….there is a strange mix of joy and melancholy that surrounds the holiday season for me; joy because of the season—because there is so much to love and rejoice and believe and experience. The melancholy comes at strange times. Not sadness, not depression, just deep thought. Today I am frustrated with little, trivial things…so much that needs to be done and no motivation to do it. Instead of tackling issues in my life head-on, I want to just ignore them and hope they go away. I am not comfortable with myself or my body. I feel like I am on the outside, looking in at the world. There is so much I want to say, but there are so few words that make any sense.
Instead of dealing with everything, I want to just scream and cry and be done with it all.
But don’t get me wrong. I am not unhappy…I am just frustrated. And since there is no magic pill to make that frustration to away, I will remain as such for the time being.
12.10.2004
Nothing Exciting...
I don’t really know why I have disappeared from the world of the blog for so long. I guess there has been a lot happening but at the same time, not. I’ve figured out something about my blog; I censor myself somewhat by knowing who is reading it. I actually thought about that as I was sending my Christmas cards and letter last night…is there anything in this that will offend certain people? I hate that I do it. In fact, I have even urged other people to not censor themselves and just be true to who they are…but now I find myself with things to say, but not sure if I want to say them here, even though I still want to know other people’s opinions…I guess it’s good that I also email my closest friends a lot. J
An update on my life…Thanksgiving was good. I went home, hung out with the family, and we all went to my grandma’s house in Ft. Wayne. We had been doing Thanksgiving at our house, and then last year we were in Costa Rica…and I guess traditions change. It was strange to not be in our house for the holiday; strange that I couldn’t immediately go put on my pj pants and relax, but good nonetheless. It didn’t really feel like a holiday—more of just dinner at grandma’s.
Since then, work has been busy. It’s December and I work at a church, so that means we have LOTS of programming going on. The nights that I have been free, Tim has been working, so I’m getting some good down time. That is something I don’t let myself have enough of, so the forced “Emily Time” is a good thing.
Christmas will be here in 15 days. I am trying to finish up my shopping and my crafting and all of that. It’s kind of fun to be making some gifts, but kind of scary since that is what I’m planning on giving, and I’m not sure if some of them are going to work out quite like I would like. I’m writing lots of keyword articles (articles written based on the words people most use to search for things) and debating selling some of the stuff in the Harry Potter closet in my apartment on Ebay.
Yeah, I guess I haven’t written for awhile because life just hasn’t been all that exciting. J
An update on my life…Thanksgiving was good. I went home, hung out with the family, and we all went to my grandma’s house in Ft. Wayne. We had been doing Thanksgiving at our house, and then last year we were in Costa Rica…and I guess traditions change. It was strange to not be in our house for the holiday; strange that I couldn’t immediately go put on my pj pants and relax, but good nonetheless. It didn’t really feel like a holiday—more of just dinner at grandma’s.
Since then, work has been busy. It’s December and I work at a church, so that means we have LOTS of programming going on. The nights that I have been free, Tim has been working, so I’m getting some good down time. That is something I don’t let myself have enough of, so the forced “Emily Time” is a good thing.
Christmas will be here in 15 days. I am trying to finish up my shopping and my crafting and all of that. It’s kind of fun to be making some gifts, but kind of scary since that is what I’m planning on giving, and I’m not sure if some of them are going to work out quite like I would like. I’m writing lots of keyword articles (articles written based on the words people most use to search for things) and debating selling some of the stuff in the Harry Potter closet in my apartment on Ebay.
Yeah, I guess I haven’t written for awhile because life just hasn’t been all that exciting. J
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