Enduring Faithfulness

In the midst of the pain and sadness of yesterday, I was reminded of God's enduring faithfulness and love. He was right here with me all day. During my tears and my sadness and my apathy, He held me close. I had one prayer yesterday. I was supposed to go fishing with Tim and Ken Mitchell, a good friend and my 'spiritual dad.' We were also supposed to get thunderstorms all day. So I prayed that from just 4-7 yesterday it would be clear so we could go fishing, because I needed to do something fun to get my mind off of all the sadness. I had never really been fishing before, either, so I wanted it to be a good experience.

It's just a little thing in the whole scheme of the world. But, as storms blew in from everywhere, for three hours last night on Lake Monroe, it was still. We fished, talked, relaxed, and had a great time. I caught four fish! Thunder rumbled and a few drops of rain fell, but the weather held. We pulled up to the dock and go the boat cover on the boat at 7:15...and then it rained hard, stormed hard. In His love and compassion for one hurting girl, I am convinced that God held the storms as I prayed He would. It may seem a silly thing, a little thing...but to me, it was God's way of saying that He was right there, listening and loving.

Thank you to everyone yesterday. You made a hard day a little brighter. I love you all.

8 years

It's been eight years. i can't believe it's been that long, but the truth of it seems very real today. Eight years ago today I was in Michigan holding my dad's hand in his hospital room, the mechanical sound of the breathing machine haunting my mind. Eight years ago a nurse, with a silent nod of her head, turned off the machines. Eight years ago, my father took a few labored breaths...and then there was silence and stillness. Eight years ago, he died.

So much has happened in those last eight years. I graduated high school. I became a Christian. I graduated college. I got a 'real' job that I hated. I got a 'real job' that I love. I went to Honduras, Costa Rica, and Venezuela. I directed a play. I 'starred' in a play. I made the best friends I'll ever have in my life. I laughed and cried about equally. Y2K didn't really happen. I was in New York before the towers fell. I watched on TV as terrorism came to our soil. I bought my first car. I fell in love with a wonderful man. I'm still with him. My sister graduated high school. She bought a car, got a boyfriend and a tattoo. The little boys he left behind are all grown now. Joey will be a Senior this year. Zeke just got his driver's license. He was 8 when my dad died.

I wonder what he would say if he could see our lives now. Would he be proud of the people we have become? What would he have said when Holly came home with that tattoo or the boys turned the chicken coop in the backyard to a bmx bike ramp? What would he have said to me when I graduated from college? What would he be saying to me now?

My father was a lot of things to a lot of people, but to me he was just dad. he was funny and smart and believed in standing up for what you hold dear. He cherished his family and loved his friends. He wasn't a saint, but he was full of love. He had a heart as big as the world. He was so much to me and it hurts so much to think of the things he has missed-and the things he will never get to see or do. He'll never see his kids get married. He'll never walk his little girls down the aisle or hold grandchildren.

Dad, I love you and I miss you. I hope you're proud of all of us, and I hope you're proud of me. You are never far from my thoughts. I love you.

You've Got To Be Kidding Me

Okay, I'll admit I don't know a lot about the Catholic Church, but the article I read online today about a little girl being denied communion and being told what she took (a rice wafer instead of wheat) was invalid because it didn't contain wheat--something that could possibly kill her!-only multiplied my confusion. Here, I'll excerpt the article for you: "'It's just not a viable option. How does it corrupt the tradition of the Last Supper? It's just rice versus wheat,' said Elizabeth Pelly-Waldman (the mom). Church doctrine holds that Communion wafers, like the bread served at the Last Supper, must have at least some unleavened wheat. Church leaders are reluctant to change anything about the sacrament. 'This is not an issue to be determined at the diocesan or parish level, but has already been decided for the Roman Catholic Church throughout the world by Vatican authority,' Trenton Bishop John M. Smith said in a statement last week.... ... The church has similar rules for Communion wine. For alcoholics, the church allows a substitute for wine under some circumstances, however the drink must still be fermented from grapes and contain some alcohol. Grape juice is not a valid substitute... ....'This is a church rule, not God's will, and it can easily be adjusted to meet the needs of the people, while staying true to the traditions of our faith,'" The last part is the most true. This is a church rule, not God's will. This poor little girl and her mother (who was also recently diagnosed with the disease) just want to follow God and do His will for their lives. I honestly don't know what to say to that...I know what I want to say...heck, it's my blog, I'll say it. Grow up, dear old Catholic Church. I agree that the sacraments are Holy, don't get me wrong, but a wheat wafer and wine do not make it Holy. What makes it holy is the experience and the heart of the person. If you choose to take communion with oreos and milk, then good for you, as long as your heart is in the right place. Communion, like faith, is an act of obedience between you and God. I'm not one to argue Christianity and faith...for one, I don't feel like I know enough, but for another, I don't feel like arguing does anyone any good. I go to a church that does not use wine, we use welches. I've been to services where, in a pinch, wheat thins and soda were substituted for the bread and wine. Faith, a relationship with God, communion...they're about the heart, not about the doctrine. It goes back to that oversimplified yet somehow increasingly valid 'mantra' of the Christian Church... "No creed but Christ, no book but the Bible."

The Heart of the Heavens...

Okay, I've had this CD, "You and You Alone" for a long time. Liz gave it to me. I just now have discovered the last song on the cd. Here are the lyrics. It's true, i'm playing it on repeat just now...it's amazing...I don't know why I didn't discover it before now...

The Heart of the Heavens

Lonely desert below
Barren soil 'neath the sky
Only death in the wind
Every echo is dry

Hills and valleys on fire
Mere memories of life
Parched and thirsty by day
No relief in the night

Hunger cries in the heart
Groanings reach up, touching heaven
Buried hopes start to tremble and breathe again
Deep longing is heard
All waiting will cease
For the Heart of the heavens is love

The sky smiles on the earth
Releases living rains
Great clouds of mercy empty
One gives, one gains
And both are satisfied
The desert and the sky
For the Heart of the heavens is love

Such tears of grace pour
Streams swell into a river
Wonder of divine reflection
The needy and the Giver

And both are satisfied
The desert and the sky
For the Heart of the heavens
The God of the heavens
For the Heart of the heavens is love

It's Like Reading the Last Page First

Why in the world do I have to know the outcome of every significant olympic event before they are even broadcast? Sometimes the internet is nothing more than a pain in the butt. Yesterday, I flat out did not want to know who won the men's all-around gymno (and why has gymnastics been shortened to 'gymno'? It sounds an awful like like gyno...and that's just not a sport at all!) title. I avoided the internet in the afternoon...covering up headlines to get to the pages and searches that I wanted to see. I listened to a CD on the way to my apartment and avoided the news. Then, I was feeling fat 'n flabby, which is nothing unusual for me, so I decided to go to the YMCA. I was on the elliptical with my headphones watching 'house hunters' or something like that...then i glanced at the other TV because it had on CNN and I wanted to see what was going on in Iraq...and they switched to Olympic coverage and blew it for me!!!! GRRRR!!!! Why do they have to go and ruin the suspense? Annoys the crap out of me, that's for sure!! To me, it's like opening a new book and reading the last page first...sure, the rest of the story is still good, but you lose something when you know exactly how it is going to turn out! Anyway, that's my thought for this morning. Has anyone else experienced the same frustration?

"In the world of haute couture, I am sweatpants."

This is a line from The Easy Hour, a book I just finished reading last night. It is part of my quest to read one new author a month. And since all of the books that I would actually like to read are never IN at the library (and that's one thing I'm trying my hardest to STOP spending money on--books) I picked this one up off of the "New Adult Fiction" shelf. It was entertaining; a quick read, but something I did enjoy. The line in the title, however, had me laughing pretty hard because, quite frankly, that is my fashion sense. In the world of high fashion-or just fashion-I am sweatpants. I am comfortable and clean and soft around the edges. I am well loved and worn by everyone, whether they want to admit it or not. :) I am fluffy and feel great after a long day in skirts, heels, and hose.

My fashion sense is not my strongest point, although it is getting better. No matter, what, though, I always seem to be able to sacrifice 'style' for comfort. Give me a cute t-shirt and jeans any day over a clingy top. Maybe it's because I'm overweight and chesty, but still...I will always just be like I am...comfortable. You're reading about a girl who has seriously considered wearing cute white keds under her wedding dress someday. :)

To Days of Inspiration

To days of inspiration
Playing hookie, making something out of nothing
The need to express --
To communicate,
To going against the grain,
Going insane
Going mad

To loving tension, no pension
To more than one dimension,
To starving for attention,
Hating convention, hating pretension...

I love RENT. I love the lyrics, the score...the passion, the beauty, the driving force inside each character to truly LIVE life. I love it. I haven't listened to it enough, but this morning, "La Vie Boheme" was the song of choice on my way to work. I'm not a Bohemian. I'm not even going to pretend that I'm anything close, but that song gets stuck in my head to the point where I just can't get it out and can't do anything about it...above are just a few of the lyrics. I'm especially fond of the first verse--To days of inspiration...looking out at the world around us, watching the beauty and majesty of another sunrise on another day, they all should be days of inspiration, right? The essence of the the musical, and this song, is to live life. To embrace everything that makes us human; our pains and sorrows as well as our deepest joys. It is a musical about learning to live and learning to love. About how passion runs deeper than physical attraction and how friends become family as you grow up. That is what appeals to me about RENT. Every lyric, every line, is about how to live and love and grow and change...and, more than that, how to risk everything for something you truly believe in.

So, with that all said, here's to days of inspiration. Go and make something out of nothing!

FOR GOOD

I've heard it said

That people come into our lives for a reason

Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you:

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend:
Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you:

I have been changed for good

These are some of the lyrics to one of my favorite songs from "Wicked." The song is "For Good" and it's the last time that Elphaba (the Wicked Witch) and Galinda/Glinda see each other. The lyrics are powerful to me, because it reminds me of the people in my life with whom I used to be good friends...that somehow have gotten lost or have disappeared from my radar. Don't get me wrong, I have a great (and growing) circle of friends now that I love deeply. But, there are people that I just don't speak to anymore, that I don't even know what is going on in their lives...but the moments we shared and the friendship we have/had did change me, for the better, and made me who I am today. I just read an article online about how the songwriter penned this--he asked his daughter what she would say to her best friend if she knew they would never see each other again. The first verse is pretty much what she said, and then he went from there. Wow.

I guess I've been thinking a lot about the people that come in and out of our lives a lot this week; old friends are having babies, my mom is catching me up on news from home; I wonder what is going on in the lives of my sister and brothers in Michigan. Looking at the calendar, it's August 13 (and Friday the 13th today). It was 8 years ago today that I came home to a message on my answering machine from my sister (who was all of 12) saying that my dad had been in a car accident and 'it didn't look good.' I had just gotten home from a mission trip a week before (where I had accepted Christ) and from touring IU with my mom and step dad. Eleven days later, my father died. I am sure on that day (the 24th) I will write about my feelings about it more. Listening to this song on the way to work this morning made me think about all the things left unsaid between my dad and I before he died. Had I known that our last conversation would have been our last...

...we usually don't get the chance to tell the people that we love what they mean and what they have done for us and how they have changed us...we don't know when it will be the last time we can look them in the eye, give them a hug, and tell them how important they are. Maybe the thing that draws me most about this song is that they got the chance and the opportunity most of us never get.

The 100th Post...
I'm not sure if it makes me crazy or that I just have a lot to say, but this, according to Blogger, is the 100th Post I have put on this website. Insane. Anyway...

Because of where ther Bloomington office for my insurance company is located, I ended up at my former employer this morning. It used to be 1stBooks Library, and is now Authorhouse. It was a print-on-demand publishing company where if you could afford it, you could have anything printed you wrote. Now, I won't go into all the many many reasons why I left that job and how happy I am that I did so, but even this morning, there was a bit of nostalgia that creeped in. There were some good people that worked there, and every once in awhile we actually published a really good book. It's just strange to walk into a group of people that used to be so familiar and now they're in a new building with new management and practically an entire new staff. strange.

Anyway, a GRIPE for this morning...Part of my job (as I see it and it has been explained to me) is to make our database work for the ministries it supports...so I spend a lot of my time working in the database and trying to brainstorm ways for it to be used more efficiently. I do this because it's important to me and because I enjoy it. For example, we actually track attendance at SOCC. It's only as good as the information we get, so I'm well aware that it is not perfect. After posting attendance, we do an absentee report to catch the people that are no longer attending, have missed a few weeks, etc. Now granted in the summer it's much more difficult to do. Anyway...people that end up on this list often end up there even though they are at church--they do not sign in because they are volunteering for a ministry. So, I tried to make a way to get a list of the people that are serving so that we can give them attendance and they don't get calls that say "we've noticed you haven't been at church in awhile" when really they were just there singing or whatever...and for some reason, some people do not think this is a good idea. for me, if i was actively involved in a ministry and someone called and said we've noticed that you haven't been here, i would be a little offended/hurt because i was just volunteering!! I guess, I can't make everyone happy, but sometimes I just don't understand why people choose the battles they choose.

I'm Sure I Have Other Stuff To Do...

The \\
Last Cigarette:	never had one
Last Alcoholic Drink:	a margarita a long time ago
Last Car Ride:	to work this morning
Last Kiss:	Sunday night
Last Good Cry:	a month or so ago-sometimes you just need to cry
Last Library Book:	"A Gathering of Days"
Last book bought:	Eyewitness New York
Last Book Read:	"Out of Time" Margaret Haddix...
Last Movie Seen in Theatres:	I, Robot
Last Movie Rented:	Lost in Translation
Last Cuss Word Uttered:	PILAF! (Trust me, used in context...)
Last Beverage Drank:	Propel Grape Fitness Water
Last Food Consumed:	Chocolate Chip Mini Muffins
Last Crush:	Tim Bedwell :)
Last Phone Call:	Tim, just a few seconds ago
Last TV Show Watched:	Fox 59 a.m.
Last Time Showered:	7:00 a.m. this morning
Last Shoes Worn:	Nike Tennis Shoes--still on my feet
Last CD Played:	Here For You--SOCC Worship CD
Last Item Bought:	Above mentioned Propel and Mini Muffins
Last Download:	uh....
Last Annoyance:	the fly buzzing around my car
Last Disappointment:	Rene moving out
Last Soda Drank:	Diet Coke
Last Thing Written:	other than this survey? Email to my mom
Last Key Used:	office door key
Last Words Spoken:	"See You Soon" to Tim
Last Sleep:	Last night--on the new couch :)
Last Ice Cream Eaten:	Edy's Andes Mint..YUM
Last Chair Sat In:	my desk chair...still there, too
Last Webpage Visited:	Tyana's Blog (hence filling out the survey)
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

As If I Don't Have Enough Issues...
I think I've probably mentioned a time or two that my office could double for the SOCC morgue. yeah, it really is that cold in here. I hate it. Anyway, I'm slowly learning to at least remember to bring a jacket to wear while I'm in my office, regardless of the temperature outside. So today I have on my black dress pants and dress shoes and a pink tank-top (and look kinda cute). I brought with me this new black jacket with white piping that I got for 3 whole cash dollars at the Sam's Club a couple weeks ago. So, after doing my Monday morning counting, I went ahead and put it on...like an hour ago.

Dear reader, I've been walking around with a sticker that says "large" on my breast for the last hour. You know, one of those size stickers....Now, I have issues with my chest size anyway (my whole family has been well blessed), and then I'm walking around my place of employment, my CHURCH with a sticker that says large right there. I noticed it a few seconds ago when I went to the restroom. Hopefully no one else noticed...how embarrassing!

Uh...
So I had to run some errands on my way to work this morning; drop off my rent and run to the dr.'s office to pick up a letter...and decided what I really wanted was a nice big glass of O.J. and a hashbrown from McDonald's for breakfast. There wasn't really a line, so I swung through the drive thru, placed my order, gave the nice man at the first window 2.24, and proceeded up to the second window. I got my hashbrown and my OJ in rapid order...and then I sat there for like 10 minutes. Why, you ask? Because the McDonald's people put the trash can and the newspaper boxes right beside the drive thru. The van in front of me decided to sit there and READ the stupid front pages of both of the newspapers through the glass, while a line was forming behind them. The girl in the window looked out and shook her head and made a motion like I should honk. Now, I don't like to honk my horn; I think it can be rude...but it didn't really matter because the guy in the car behind me got to it first. The woman passenger in the van turned around and gave me a dirty look, to which I smiled. Then, they went back to reading for a few more seconds before inching EVER SO SLOWLY forward enough for me to get around them...

...in response I say...uh, right. Who put the newspaper boxes right there in the first place? If a pedestrian wanted to get one, they'd probably get ran over while standing there fishing change out of their pocket. But still, who sits in their car eating and reading the front page of the paper (at least what is above the fold, which is usually a pretty big picture and not a lot of text) knowing that there are people behind you?

I just don't get it sometimes, I'll be honest :)

Updated
Several months ago Liz and I started a blog dedicated to books. Why, you ask? Because we read ALL THE TIME! But, for some reason, neither of us had really been updating it. I took care of that this morning, adding 3 new entries. Now we just have to keep on top of it. I'll be excited to read what she has to say aobut WICKED once she reads it. :) Anyway, check it out and keep on us to keep it updated.

Moving
My roommate, Rene, is moving at the end of the month. I haven't really talked about it here because it happened so fast, but it's coming soon. She's one of my absolute best friends, and I am going to miss living with her. We are not going our own ways because we are tired of each other or because we are angry with each other...we just both need our space. She'll start school at the end of the month and we're both feeling cramped in our townhouse. It's a nice place, and cheap, but we both have lots of stuff shoved into our bedrooms, which doesn't make for the most comfortable living arrangement. And, there are things I won't miss...dirty dishes and having to schedule our times to be downstairs almost (since we're both in relationships) but I will miss her laughter and knowing that she's there. I'll miss our grumbly exchanged glances at 7 in the morning when we're both getting ready for work. I'll miss the way we can curl up on the couches under our fleece blankets and sleep or watch hours of Friends. I'll miss the way we know each other well enough to know when to speak and when to just let it go and I love that we know each other better than we know ourselves. I'll miss her music and her watching TV and the way she knows exactly when I just need a hug. I'll miss the little notes and the way neither of us bothered to take down a "Happy Birthday" sign for over a year. I love her and I hope that we stay just as close later as we do now.

No Drama
I think I got enough drama in college. For some reason, my ability to be sympathetic and understanding to people has been drastically reduced by the fact that they bring so many of their problems on themselves. I know I can be a nut, but I hope that I live a pretty non-dramatic life. Sure, I cry sometimes (or a lot, depending on who you ask) but I'm not given to angry speeches and I don't yell...and I certainly don't think the world revolves around me. I know that there are things about my life that I would like to change and things that are not exactly as I would like them to be, but at the same time, I have a nice calmness about my life. I don't know if it's exactly a Bible verse, but an idea keeps coming back to me...whatever you do, do it for God. Even if it's not your 'dream job' or the perfect situation. If you do everything in your life like you're doing it exclusively for God, then how can you be unhappy? God wants you to be His, even if that means doing things that you think are 'beneath' you. Does that mean God wants you stuck in a job you don't like? Not at all; maybe your discontent comes from the fact that you're actually not doing what He wants you to do right now. Or maybe you are discontent because you're not embracing what He wants you to do; instead you are sitting in a pool of self pity. No wonder you're not happy.

My friend Liz is exactly the opposite of my frustrations. Was she in a job she was very tired of? You bet she was! Was she ready for a change? Without a doubt. But, did she still do her job every day until God opened up the most incredible job-door in the world for her? You better believe it. She did it for God, and He blessed her with a great opportunity.

If everyone who was 'so unhappy' in their situation did what she did--do it for God and constantly seek other opportunities--then I don't think people would be as miserable as they are now.

Anyway, that's my gripe today. Instead of complaining about how your job isn't what you think it should be, do the job you're supposed to do. The rewards will come when you make the job you've been given, no matter how little it is, and do it as if it were the most important thing in the world.

Wonderful Together
Okay, I'll admit it...I had a wonderful time this weekend. Tim and I celebrated our 1-year anniversary. That's right, now we're one of those couples who has been together for more than a year. Completely cheesy to get excited about, I know, but whatever. I'm young and I'm in love so there! :) Yes, Tim and I had a great weekend. We both took Friday off and went to Dayton to the United States Air Force Museum. If you've never been and you enjoy airplanes and the history of how man got off the ground, then you should check it out. Open seven days a week, that's right...and it's free! There should be more free things like this in the world. :) Anyway, we spent all of Friday at the museum and then headed to Donato's for dinner. That was special because we ate at Donato's the week before we started dating...as friends. :) Then all of Saturday we spent back at the museum, seeing the stuff we had missed the day before. We thought we were going to have to go through 1 hanger, but it turned out there was another one that wasn't on the map...so yeah, more than we thought, which is great!

Saturday was the official day and we exchanged gifts and cards, which is always fun. I think we really know what the other one enjoys, so gift buying is always fun (although can be stressful, I will admit) and exchanging is always exciting. In fact, I am the proud new owner of a Serta Sheep! Okay, so it's a long story that probably won't be as exciting to anyone but Tim and I, but trust me, I LOVE IT!

After a year, I can say that I love Tim B. Bedwell more than I ever thought I could love another person. What I feel for him makes anything I had felt in the past seem pale in comparison. I love his smile, his laugh...the way he makes 'fun' of me and the way he holds me tight. He's the most amazing person I have ever met in my life, and I can't wait to see what the next year together holds!!

Happy Monday everyone!