Let's see...what has happened since last time I wrote? I turned 25. Scary. Okay, so it's not scary, but it's pretty dang grown up all of the sudden. It seems like just days ago I was graduating high school and starting college; now my little brother is a teenager! It's hard to believe. I think back at my childhood and where I thought I would be when I turned 25...and I've realized it's possible to feel very young and very old at the same time. Old because I'm a quarter of a century old. Young because 25 just isn't that old at all. Nevertheless it's a strange thing.

Cameron is getting his black belt in Karate tomorrow. It's exciting. He's going to get a sword and break some boards. I'm excited for him. I'm also taking tim home to hang out with my family. it's very exciting, but somewhat surreal at the same time. :)

AH well. I'm suddenly completely unable to write and form coherent sentences...so off to bed I go!!

This is the first song Tim and I danced to. We were having a conversation about how we didn't have a "song."

Sway, by Bic Runga

Don't stray, don't ever go away
I should be much too smart for this
You know it gets the better of me
Sometimes, when you and I collide
I fall into an ocean of you, pull me out in time
Don't let me drown, let me down
I say it's all because of you

And here I go, losing my control
I'm practising your name so I can say it to your face
It doesn't seem right, to look you in the eye
Let all the things you mean to me
Come tumbling out my mouth
Indeed it's time to tell you why
I say it's infintely true

CHORUS:
Say you'll stay, don't come and go
Like you do
Sway my way, yeah I need to know
All about you

And there's no cure, and no way to be sure
Why everything's turned inside out
Instilling so much doubt
It makes me so tired - I feel so uninspired
My head is battling with my heart
My logic has been torn apart
And now it all turns sour
Come sweeten every afternoon

CHORUS TWICE

It's all because of you
It's all because of you

Now it all turns sour, come sweeten every afternoon
It's time to tell you why, I say it's infinitely true

CHORUS TWICE

It's all because of you
It's all because of you
It's all because of you

I heard this song on the radio and it made me think of my friend Mike Dodd. We haven't talked in quite awhile, but this song still rings true. Thanks, mike, for all you've done. You changed me more than you'll ever know!

More Than You'll Ever Know
from "All Things New" Watermark
written by Nathan & Christy Nockels


Somethin' brought you to my mind today
I thought about the funny ways you make me laugh
And yet I feel like it's okay to cry with you
Somethin' about just being with you
When I leave I feel like I've been near God
And that's the way it ought to be

'Cause you been more than a friend to me
You fight off my enemies
'Cause you've spoken truth over my life
And you'll never know what it means to me
Just to know you've been on your knees for me
Oh, you have blessed my life

More than you'll ever know
More than you'll ever know

You had faith, when I had none
You prayed God would bring me a brand new song
When I didn't think I could find the strength to sing
And all the while I'm hoping that I'll
Do the kind of praying for you that you've done for me
And that's the way it ought to be

'Cause you been more than a friend to me
You fight off my enemies
'Cause you've spoken truth over my life
And you'll never know what it means to me
Just to know you've been on your knees for me
Oh, you have blessed my life

More than you'll ever know
More than you'll ever know

You've carried me
You've taken upon a burden that wasn't your own
And may the blessing return to you...
A hundredfold, oh yeah...
A hundredfold, oh yeah...

here for You
This is the new CD that the worship ministry (aka-my friends) at my church has put together. I absolutely LOVE this CD. The title song, here for You is one of the many recent anthems of my life. Here are the lyrics:

“I’ve come to serve, not to be served,
give not to get
All for the One who makes me sing

I want to place Him before my selfish ambition
To become an offering

So I’ll worship Him not because I seek His blessing
Who am I to be this way?

And I will sacrifice not to gain or hold His favor
Just because I want to say

I’m here to love and adore Him
Lay my life before Him

All for Jesus Christ my King”

It was written by Phil Coleman, a good friend, and I just adore it. I am working on a CD of songs about my trip to Honduras...guess which one is at the top of the list? This is what I have written about the song:

I’ve come to serve, not to be served…

Why do we go into mission trips thinking they are even remotely about us? It’s so easy to pray about what we’ll get out of the trip, how it will change US…but the reality is that it doesn’t have a single thing to do with what we think we should get out of it…and all it took was the very first line of this song to remind me of that. I am on this trip, I am in this country, I am stepping out of my comfort zone simply because I have been set apart by Him and he has told me to go. If God Himself can come to serve people instead of being served by them, then who am I to think that I am better than God? Our world and our culture are so consumed by what we WANT and what we think is best for us. Everything around us says that ‘more’ is the answer, not less. How can we get more out of our lives, what can other people do for us? It really is all about ‘us’ if we listen to the world. It’s that look out for number one mentality…and then I listen to this song and I think deep and hard about the scriptures from which it comes…and I realize, I’ve come (I’ve been brought into this world, into this place, for a time such as this) to serve, not to be served...

...give not to get…

Oh that my life could be such a deep offering to Him and to those He loves! I have never been surrounded by this kind of poverty, by this kind of need, and this kind of…love. In serving these beautiful souls, in giving everything I can to them, we have been lucky enough to get something, although we don’t deserve. Standing on this mountaintop, looking out over the city, there is nothing but beauty and tears in my heart. What I thought I could give has turned out to be just a fraction of what He knows I can give…Father, help me to live these words!!! Help me to give to You and Yours every piece of me. Take away my need to receive something out of this trip and fill me with the dream to give it all up for you!

…I want to place You before my selfish ambition to become an offering…

This song is on repeat in my heart. I wake up singing it; it is the last thought on my mind before I fall asleep, exhausted from another day. Every time I start to think about myself and my needs, it pops back into my head…it’s as if God is using this little song, written by a friend, to remind me of His plans for my life. If the message of Christ can be boiled down to something as simple as “love one another and love God” this song is a powerful way of making that a reality. By loving Him, we serve, we give, and we place Him before ourselves and our dreams for our lives. We place Him before our need to be the best, the smartest, the prettiest, and the most famous. We place His world before our little one and we give everything, even our lives, for Him. This song is the simple way of saying “this is what God says—Love Me, love those I love, deny yourself and I will lift you up.”

…So I’ll worship You, not because I seek Your blessing…who am I to be this way?...

Who am I but one person living one day in one place. Father, rid me of the worldly need to get something out of my relationship with You. My very reason for life and for worshiping You is not so that I walk away feeling fulfilled and good about me…it is completely about You and that You are worthy. Help my world to revolve around You, not myself. Perhaps the most poignant line in this entire song for me is the simple question—“Who am I to be this way?” You were willing to bleed and die on a cross for me. You endured everything, and I sit around whining because I didn’t sleep well or because I don’t like what I’m eating or because my muscles hurt. WHO AM I TO BE THIS WAY? You deserve so much more than what I give you, but you still accept my meager moments of complete surrender---and you remember those moments. You forget the pain and tears I put you through and you hold on to that moment, maybe only one in my whole life, when I give you everything. Why do I not live my entire life like that? Why am I afraid of surrendering everything to You? Why am I afraid to live a life worthy of Your love?

…I’m here to Love and Adore You, lay my life before You…

Let this song echo in my heart. Let not another day pass when this song, which has touched me and moved me like no other, is forgotten. Father, I may not know about tomorrow, I may not know what will happen when I close this journal and go back to my ‘normal’ life, but this I do know: “I am here to love you and adore you. Lay my life before you. All for Jesus Christ, my King!”

Has it really been that long since I've written anything here? I guess it has...so here you go, dear readers!

Post mission trip life has been nothing if not chaotic. I have lived the last month as a bundle of raw nerves, ready to explode or breakdown at any given moment. The first worship service back from the trip was an emotional rollercoaster for me. I cried my way through the hour of service, and then wanted to do nothing more than withdraw into my own little shell. But, that was impossible.

See, I work at a church. And last sunday was Easter. There are few things in the world like experiencing Easter from the other side at a church with over 3,000 people. For two weeks straight the people I am closest to here built a Bridge, worked on graphics and music, decorated, planned, and made sure that the real meaning of the Resurrection was not lost in the shuffle. It was amazing to watch, but hard at the same time.

As much as I hate it, I think I am going through a needy stage in my life. I want nothing more than to be close to the people I love the most. I want to touch them, to laugh with them, to be held by them. I want to cry for no reason at all and I want to laugh because it feels good to do so. I want someone to play with my hair until I fall asleep. I want to breathe the same air of the people I love. I want to feel them near me. I want their energy to be my energy.

The last two weeks have made that almost impossible. The people I love at work were consumed by the events leading up to Easter. Tim worked until midnight or 1 every night. My roommate has enough on her plate without having to worry about me. Liz is in Indy. I don't know why I feel this way right now, but I know I don't like it at all. It's a strange feeling. I want to be with them, but I don't really want to have to talk. I want to feel their love near me, but I do not want to have to explain myself. I want them to just understand.