Let Me Be Honest
I am more than a little apprehensive about going to see The Passion of the Christ on Sunday. I am going with my church, which will be good, but I am also very nervous about it. Everyone I have talked to or had any sort of communication with about the movie has had such a...powerful...reaction, I just don't know how I am going to handle it. These are people I look to, people I love, people I trust...and they are people that understand the depth of emotion I feel on a fairly regular basis. I think this says it all. My prayer as I go into this movie is that I am changed, that I am never the same again, that there is something so real and so powerful about what happens that it cannot be denied.

I find it very interesting that the ENTIRE country is talking about this movie. People are passionate about the "Passion" one way or another. I think it's great. I think we shy away from honest discourse on Christianity quite often. For some reason it reminds me of the West Wing...there was an episode about being willing to raise the level of public discourse in the country, no matter what the results...this is the quote:

"Listen up. Our ground game isn't working. We're going to put the ball in the air. If we're going to walk into walls, I want us running into 'em full speed. We're going to lose some of these battles. We might even lose the White House. But we're not going to be threatened by issues. We're going to put them front and center. We're going to raise the level of public debate in this country. And let that be our legacy."

I think it should be the legacy of every Christian to be willing to stand up and put the real issue--the deity of Christ and the promise of eternity--front and center. That way, when we meet Him face to face, we will hear the words our very souls long to hear--"Well done, my good and faithful servant..."

Unchallenged Faith Remains Unchanged.
This was the main point I took away from my Bible Study this afternoon. We are currently doing the Beth Moore study Believing God. The point of the study is that we believe in God, but we don't really believe Him. We've done two of the video lessons and week of regular lessons. And, to be honest, I already feel myself changing. I feel like I'm very vulnerable this week, and now that I think about it, I think this study is part of the reason why. There are so many verses swimming through my head right now and she is just passionate about her God and her love for Him. I want to live my life with that kind of passion, but it is sometimes soo hard to do. How does she do it everyday?....anyway...back to my first thought....

Part of me has always thought that if my faith were strong enough, if I was strong enough, then I would be fine. My faith would grow without me having to walk through the fire. I would be content with my faith and my God. And, sure enough all of that has happened. I have been "fine." I have avoided the fire by avoiding some of the things I thought were pitfalls. I was content with where I was and thought I knew a lot about God. Then, with one statement, I realized just how flawed that thinking and that logic really is...sure, my faith has been "safe" but has it been authentic? I don't think it has. And the reality of that makes my heart break and my every fiber cry out to God. If bending and breaking and shaking my faith is what it takes to make it grow, I'm willing....I'm not ready, but I'm willing. I need to be around people that don't believe the same thing I believe, who have different standards and opinions...I want those people to help me grow.

The other side of the 'faith growing' coin is this: I have been very blessed in my life. I have a great family-a wonderful mother, an amazing step-father, a great younger brother-, I have a good, stable job where I can do things I care about and make what I feel like is a difference for the community and for the Kingdom, I have great friends and a beautiful, amazing, and absolutely breathtaking boyfriend. I do not take these blessings for granted at all. I know just how rare and special it is to be truly blessed in life. For these things and a million more, I am forever grateful. They have all helped grow and strengthen my faith. When challenges and frustrations have arose, these blessings have been the glue to hold my meager faith-heart together. Funny, now that I think about it, maybe the truer statement is this...

Unchallenged and "blind" faith remains unchanged.

If you are blind to the blessings and refuse the challenges, you can never grow. Your faith will be stale and you will be lukewarm...

The List

I wrote The List last night. I wrote it before I left work so I would know what exactly I had to do when I got to work this morning. I wrote it knowing I had a full day yesterday and the rest of the week promises to be the same. I wrote it so I could be focused when I got to my desk this morning. I wrote it. Now I want to throw it away. I honestly don't care about the list. I don't care about the trivialize of my job to a check-off list. I don't like that all of what I do can be put onto a yellow legal pad and then all the sudden, the list is scratched off and I'm supposed to feel some sort of sense of accomplishment...

...but what have I accomplished? My little brother, Cameron, gets his black belt in Karate on April 30th. That's right. 4 days after he turns 13, he will be an official 1st degree black belt. He's about my height (5'5"ish), weighs about 80 pounds, probably...if that... and could kick your butt if he had to. I'm impressed, I'll admit it. I look back at what I had really accomplished by 13...uh, I had a pretty serious obsession with New Kids on the Block, I had a poem published in one of those silly anthologies...I made the cheerleading squad for basketball with 2 broken fingers and my hand in a cast...I learned that I hated cheerleading...I survived most of 7th grade, the year that will officially go down in history as being the worst year ever...I played the flute okay...I had a one-year-old little brother who was the coolest kid in the world already...yeah, I think Cameron is way ahead of me already. Karate, he's musically gifted, he's so much smarter than I ever was...he's awesome and I love him...

...and a completely different thought. I feel so connected and disconnected to Him at the same time. I feel like everyone else in the world has so much more faith than I...I feel like I fail God so many times and I don't understand why He looks at me with such love. I don't understand His love and I don't understand His plan for me. I don't know what He wants me to accomplish in my life, but I have a feeling it's something much bigger than could ever be written down on a yellow legal pad and then summarily checked off...I just pray that the feelings I have right now, as raw and emotional as they are, never leave. I never want to hear excerpts from an interview on the radio and realize that the man they're interviewing has so much more faith and is so much more willing to do anything for it than I do...I want to be changed and remain changed...and then maybe my life will be an accomplishment.

Wild Geese
by: Mary Oliver

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about your despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clear blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting--
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

**
Annie put this poem on my fridge one day and I found it again yesterday and read it. It moved me. How often do we really let the world offer its imagination to us? How often do we embrace the beauty and diversity and the million little things in the world that make it our own? How often do we focus on being good and our failures instead of embracing the fact that we are loved in spite of ourselves? We belong. We have a place here. We have a Dream to live and a mission to embrace. If our purpose was over, we would be home, not still on this earth. So listen to the whisper of the Creator on the wind and be willing to truly live the life He has given you...with all of the pain and hurt, it is still a beautiful thing.

Laughter
I am once again reminded just how important laughter is in life. It is almost as important as air, as food, as the zillion gallons of water I drink in a week. Laughter calms anger, changes grumpiness to joy, and just in general makes the world seem like such a better place. I am so blessed in my life to be surrounded by people who make me laugh--and who understand my sense of humor and what I really find funny. I spend so many of my days and nights with the people that are important to me--Tim, Rene, Liz, Annie--sometimes it's in person, sometimes it's the phone, a card, or an email...but no matter what, these people get me. They laugh heartily at my jokes (and my stupidity and speaking errors). They find the same movies, situations, and ideas humorous. They know that sarcasm is a gift that just not everyone has and they know that some people are never, never, never-EVER going to get it.

It is when I am with these people that I am reminded of the simplicity and beauty of laughter. from the gut or simply a chuckle, it makes a huge difference. Most of the time, we laugh at inside jokes. There is only one other person in the world who finds "MAPS!" hilarious-and that is Phil Coleman. No one really understands "Hello, Mr. Futon" or "PILAF!" if you weren't there. I laugh at Ptarmigans and I laugh at the humor only two middle school girls can find in "Roadapples." "ATT" and "Vag Anti-Fun" are only funny to a couple people. There is something wonderful about inside jokes and things that make people look at you laughing and say I want to know what's so funny...you tell them and they look at you like you're insane. Sometimes that is the best feeling in the world.

So thank you, my dear friends, for getting it. For getting me. For laughter, love, and knowing that the tears I cry with you are often out of joy and not sadness. You make my life so amazing.

This Road

Alone, cold, and frightened
I wandered in the night;
Looking everywhere and anywhere
for a little of Your light.

Yet this life I live is not my own, it is only Yours
And this path You have me on-
Well I'm sure I've been here before.

I've walked this road a million times before
It's never changing, never moving.
The same old sidewalk and that same old crack,
They're never mended, always broken.
I'm restless and lonely; I'm wandering aimlessly
And seeking Your love.

You said to love with all my heart
With all my soul, with all my mind.
You said to give everything to You
and to let You have all control.

But I'm tired of walking all alone
In the footsteps of my solitary soul.
I'm trying to let it go;
To let You love have all control.

But I've walked this road a million times before
It's never changing, never moving.
The same old sidewalk and the same old cracks,
They're never mended, always broken.
I'm restless and lonely; I'm wandering aimslessly
and seeking Your love.

I'm trying to run to Your outstretched arms
When the fear is too much to fight,
But I've relied on myself for so very long
I've learned to find solace in the night.

And in my separate silence
That's when I hear your calming voice.
And when I want to run to You
My lonely heart is justified

And each day is a new tomorrow
It's always changing, always moving.
And one day I'll know no more sorrow;
I'll be mended, no longer broken.
My restless heart and lonely life
WIll be at a wonderful perfect peace
When I'm constantly seeking Your love.


~Emily R. Burson, Fall 1999

Interesting, huh?

I'm not exactly sure what in my oh so mild life is PG-13, but whatever :) Take the quiz, it's fun! :)


My life is rated PG-13.
What is your life rated?

Humbled

Today I am humbled by how much I am loved and cared for and taken care of in this world. Sometimes I get so caught up in the moment that I forget the one basic truth in life: GOD will take care of me. He will provide. He always has and he always will. Why is that so easy to forget sometimes? I think it's because people try so hard to keep us in that state of near-panic. We want, we need, we survive on barely making it from one moment to the next. We choose to live this way instead of in the calm and powerful presence of the One who has promised to take care of us and love us and cherish us and always provide for us.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, " declares the LORD. Jeremiah 29:11-14a

This verse needs to become the first thing I think of every morning and the last thing I think of every evening. It needs to be the calm in the center of the storm of life. It needs to be a powerful reminder of my Savior and His love.

I must remember. I must take a break. I must calm down. I must breathe in deep.