It's Cold.

I know there is nothing deep about that statement, but I would just like to point out the obvious for a moment. You know it's cold when you get excited because the weatherbug in your toolbar now says that it's ZERO outside. And that's up from -4 when I woke up. I'll be honest, that's cold. :) I'm trying really hard to not be so negative...we'll see what happens. So far this morning, so good.

I've been thinking a lot about my Big Dream this week. And it has inspired me to write more again. So, I am going to write. A lot. I don't know how much of it I'll put on this blog and how much of it will be too personal to share, but I am willing to do my part in my Big Dream so that God can do His. It's funny how much motivation has to do with your dreams. I guess part of me has always just assumed that since I want to write, then I'll do it. The reality is that it takes work and effort on my part to make the dream come true. There is a quote from somewhere that says, "Sometimes it takes a little work to make a dream come true." I don't remember who said it or even where I heard it, but I need to find it and put it on my computer, in my room, in my journal--everywhere. Because it does take a little work to make dreams come true. It is not just going to magically happen one day. I know this. You know this. I think everyone knows this. It's just the actual doing that is the hard part sometimes.

I was going to try and be all profound this morning, but there's just not a lot to be profound about at the moment. I'm still 1/2 asleep and cold anyway :) So, Happy Friday. It's been a long, snowy, COLD week. Let's hope the worst is over for now.

The Dream Giver

During our staff devotion yesterday we talked about the book "The Dream Giver" by the Bruce Wilkinson. Then we were given two quotes to ponder as we thought about what the Big Dream that God-The Dream Giver-has given each of us is and how we are pursuing it. Here are the quotes:

"The Place where God calls you is the place where your deep gladness and the world's deep hunger meet." -Frederick Buechner

"Don't ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive, and go do that, because what the world needs is people who have come alive." -Gil Bailie

So of course, the question now is where is my Big Dream? Where does my deep gladness pour from? What makes me come alive and feel, just feel all of the emotions and thoughts and senses possible?

What scares me the most is that I'm not sure anymore. I don't know that I've ever really let myself explore the possibilities of my dreams. I mean, sure, there were those things from my childhood--the First Woman President of the Moon, a paleontologist, a doctor, a teacher--but as I've grown, I am no longer sure what I long for and what really makes me come alive. Is it writing? I love to write. Or at least I love to say that I love to write, but it is not often I actually sit down and put the proverbial pen to paper. Why is that? Part of it is fear. I'm afraid of failing at my dream to write, but I am more afraid of succeeding in some ways. Isn't that pathetic? Why is it that success scares us?

There are a few people in my life that I absolutely adore. Today I want to talk about Liz. She is one of my best friends and probably the best friendship that came out of my college years. She is intelligent, beautiful, and so many things that make me realize just how lucky I am to have her for a friend. The thing that impresses me most day after day with Liz though is her passion. I hope to live my life with that kind of passion, but know I fail everyday. She knows what her Big Dream is. She knows what she wants to do with her life and even though she is not doing it right now, she knows that it is there. It almost consumes her thoughts and her life, but in a good way. God never lets it stray far from her daily routine, as if He is saying "Don't forget this. Don't give up on this. I created you for THIS." She wants to work in worship somehow...singing, working with worship together, writing a song/devotional...doing something to let the world know that her God is the most amazing thing in her life. When I think of worship, I see her face. She has held on to her Big Dream even though she doesn't know when she will actually realize it. That is dedication to the Dream Giver and his Dream. I know her well and know that her fear of failure and fear of success run along the same path as mine. I know together, we will realize our Dream and live the life that the Dream Giver has planned for us.

In closing, I leave you with these song lyrics. May they inspire you to live the Dream every moment...

"Hard as it seems
Standing in dreams
Where is the dreamer now

Wonder if I
Wanted to try
Would I remember how

I don't know the way to go from here
But I know that I have made my choice

And this is where I stand
Until He moves me on
And I will listen to His voice

This the faith
Patience to wait
When there is nothing clear
Nothing to see

Still we believe
Jesus is very near
I can not imagine what will come
But I've already made my choice

And this is where I stand
Until He moves me on
And I will listen to His voice

Could it be that He is only waiting there to see
If I will learn to love the dreams that He has dreamed for me

Can't imagine what the future holds
But I've already made my choice
And this is where I stand
Until He moves me on

And I will listen to His voice"
~Twila Paris~

Allow Me To Vent For A Moment...
I hate the snow. I really do. That is nothing new for those of you who know me, but I just thought I would take a moment and make it very clear. Now, I guess I don't HATE the snow as much as I hate driving in it, that's for sure. But, do you know what I hate more than driving in the snow? When people behind me in their stupid big SUV's and CEMENT MIXERS decide to get so close to my back bumper that I can't see their headlights. That's close in perfect driving weather; it's STUPID on the sheet of ice that was the roads this morning. Please hear me now, all SUV drivers...

Your stupid big car does NOT make you invincible!!!! I know that may come as a shocker, but being in a big vehicle that may or may not have 4 wheel drive does not mean you can drive 50 through town on icy roads. Maybe my 20-25 was a little slow, but it was about all I felt comfortable doing! You are going to be the reason someone gets in an accident. And you Mr. Cement Truck on South Walnut this morning...You're carrying like 10 tons of cement in the back of your truck. If you hit my little Focus Wagon, you will crush it; you will probably kill me. How do you feel about that?!?! That's what I thought. So yeah, just slow down and back your butt off my car. Being less than a foot from me doesn't make me drive faster. It makes me slow down, just to spite you. I don't know about you, but I kind of enjoy arriving at my destination in one piece. Call me old fashioned...

Anyway, sorry. I've been in a bit of a less that super mood this morning with the stupid drivers I had to be on the road with during my snowy and icy trek across Bloomington. You know you have to be at work too early when the plows haven't really been out yet...or they've been out only enough to scrape the snow and leave you driving on a nice ice rink. Ah well, what can you do??!?! However, you all should be proud of me because I actually drove myself to work the last two days. Even if there is like 6-8 inches of snow out there right now and it's only 20 degrees outside. Last winter I took the easy way out and let someone pick me up. This winter I've sucked it up and did it myself.

yay! Maybe I am growing up after all...but that is another blog entirely :)

Entry 2

Okay, so Tuesday got away from me before I could write this entry, so here it is, just a little late. The subject?

BIG FISH.
If you have not seen this movie, I highly suggest you stop what you're doing (including reading this blog) and go see it. Find the first showing you can get into and see it. You won't need popcorn or a drink, but I would suggest a box of kleenex. No, it's not that sappy, I guess. It's just powerful. And when I see something like that, it makes me cry. I don't know how long it has been since I've seen a movie that I am completely at a loss of words to try and describe. It's the story of a father and son. The son is trying to figure out his 'real' father since he has told nothing but stories his whole life. Which stories are real? Which are fake? Where did his father really go when he went on his trips? What really happened the day he was born?

It is a movie about love, family, dreams, and knowing that sometimes the truth is just a little bit stranger than fiction. Maybe it's not all perfect, but it's all real to the father...it's just amazing. I would see it again, just for the experience. Tim Burton thinks just far enough outside of the norm to make it interesting and believable. It isn't until the end that you realize just how important the stories are to father and son.

We should all live our lives with the passion the father displays in this film...with the imagination and the belief that the world is bigger, better, and more magical than we can dream...that even the tallest tales have some truth to them...

There will be two blogs today, most likely. I have two things I would like to talk about/reveal to you, dear reader. Here is the first...

When I was home for Christmas, my mom and I were driving to Ft. Wayne to go to my grandmother's house. She put this CD in the player: Carol King, Tapestry. It was produced the year I was born (1979) and I'll admit, I immediately thought "oh great." But then she put it in. EVERY song is amazing. EVERY song. The title song makes me want to cry and rejoice at the same time, and that is a strange and beautiful feeling. Here are the lyrics:

"My life has been a tapestry of rich and royal hue
An everlasting vision of the ever-changing view
A wondrous woven magic in bits of blue and gold
A tapestry to feel and seem impossible to hold

Once amid the soft silver sadness in the sky
There came a man of fortune, a drifter passing by
He wore a torn and tattered cloth around his leathered hide
And a coat of many colors, yellow green on either side

He moved with some uncertainty, as if he didn't know
Just what he was there for, or where he ought to go
Once he reached for something golden hanging from a tree
And his hand came down empty

Soon within my tapestry along the rutted road
He sat down on a river rock and turned into a toad
It seemed that he had fallen into someone's wicked spell
And I wept to see him suffer, though I didn't know him well

As I watched in sorrow, there suddenly appeared
A figure gray and ghostly beneath a flowing beard
In times of deepest darkness, I've seen him dressed in black
Now my tapestry's unravelling; he's come to take me back
He's come to take me back"

Can you feel the sadness and the joy when you read those lyrics? Can you hear the beauty, can you see the story? Why don't more people write songs like this anymore? Why is it mostly rap and junk and all about the material world? This song is, for lack of a better word, deep and moving. Powerful.

Okay, so it's been like a month since I've written anything on here. Why you ask? I don't have the foggiest idea. It's been a fast month, what with Christmas (which was wonderful--you should see the necklace Tim got me!) and New Years (in Evansville with Tim and his family) and the beginning of the new year...I guess time has just gotten away from me.

Have you ever had one of those days (months, weeks, whatever) where you feel like you have a million things to say, but don't know how to make the words appear on paper? That is where I'm at right now. I know a lot of things have happened and I want to write about them all, but it somehow seems almost too personal to post here, which just doesn't make any sense at all, now does it?

I could just write about fluff, right about something just so that there is something on here so I don't look like such a slacker...but what is the point in writing something just to write? I've never been that way, which is probably why my novel will never get written! :)

So here we go: here is my attempt to write something meaningful and deep at 9:40 a.m. on a Sunday.

The world is a crazy, funny thing. It seems like I spend so much time trying to just keep up with the minutes of my life as they tick by. Have you ever really stopped to think and wonder--what do I have to show for my life? What do I have to show for myself in the midst of everything else that is going on? Have I really made a difference to anyone? Have I really made an impact in anyone's life? These are the questions that haunt me as I write. My deepest desire in life is to make my love for others and my passion for my God known--but I feel that I fail so many times. Has anyone really come to know my Christ better because of me? Has anyone been really touched by who I am? Has my life really made a difference?