A run down of my day, in numbers, but no particular order...
82-the number of steps I take between my desk and the nearest bathroom (one way)
4-the number of times I've had to use the bathroom today
2-the number of the stall in the above mentioned bathroom I always use
48-the number of hours until my friend Annie is a married woman
36-the number of hours until I'm sitting at an airport waiting to get on a plane to New York
6740-the number of inactive people just sitting in our church database
7-the number of hearts on the necklace I wear every day
12-the number of years between Cameron and myself
4-the number of notes being played wrong by the person playing the saxophone downstairs
57-the number of cars in the funeral procession I got behind on my way to the bank this afternoon.
26-the number of years rene has been alive as of today
8-the number of times I will have gone downstairs to deliver pieces of paper to people today
14-the number of months Tim and I have been together, as of tomorrow
20,000-the approximate number of characters in "Power of State," the book I am working on writing.
28-the number of junk emails I have received while sitting at my desk today
10-the number of work hours before vacation
1-the number of hours before the day is over for me
9.29.2004
9.28.2004
I Have Called YOU Friend
...There is so much pain and sorrow in this world. I was reminded of that today during our staff devotions. There is a person here whom I care deeply about who has been going through a very rough time the last several weeks. It wasn't the events that touched my heart as much as his sincerity. I cannot imagine facing his struggles and trials, but somehow I know he will be okay. He is strong, and he is faithful. And, he is a blessing to those of us lucky enough to know him well. There is a deep love and compassion that can only come from being part of a family with someone; and because of God, my family is so much bigger than my parents and siblings. My 'immediate family' consists of every person I work with, every person I speak to, and every person I spend my days with. We are all joined together with a single drop of blood, and we keep each other in the dark times.
The first thing I thought of when he was speaking today was of my friends; the people who know me the best; and what I would do if I lost one of them. Not lost them in the 'we're no longer friends' way, but lost them forever. The hole they would leave in my heart is so big and so deep that I don't know how I would recover. It would only be through the love of my church, my family, and my Best Friend that I would survive to see the rainbow after the rain.
Through all of his tears, there was a glimer of hope. Instead of focusing on the pain, he was seeing the blessing. Instead of falling into the despair he has every right to feel, he is calling out to God and opening himself up to vulnerability. He is sharing himself with us, not because he has to, not because he was told to, but because we're his family.
There are times when it's hard to work in the place you worship. There are times when I get so frustrated with the 'should' and 'should nots' that invade my personality that I want to scream, but days like this bring it all into perspective. Everyone should be so lucky to work with people close enough to be called family.
The first thing I thought of when he was speaking today was of my friends; the people who know me the best; and what I would do if I lost one of them. Not lost them in the 'we're no longer friends' way, but lost them forever. The hole they would leave in my heart is so big and so deep that I don't know how I would recover. It would only be through the love of my church, my family, and my Best Friend that I would survive to see the rainbow after the rain.
Through all of his tears, there was a glimer of hope. Instead of focusing on the pain, he was seeing the blessing. Instead of falling into the despair he has every right to feel, he is calling out to God and opening himself up to vulnerability. He is sharing himself with us, not because he has to, not because he was told to, but because we're his family.
There are times when it's hard to work in the place you worship. There are times when I get so frustrated with the 'should' and 'should nots' that invade my personality that I want to scream, but days like this bring it all into perspective. Everyone should be so lucky to work with people close enough to be called family.
9.24.2004
A Wrinkle In Time...
...I just finished reading "A Wrinkle In Time" for the second time in my life. The first time I read it, I was young...maybe 4th grade...and honestly it didn't really impact me. I enjoyed it, thought it to be a good story, but it didn't make me think after I closed the book. But then, last night, as I read the last fifty or so pages again, I was captivated. If you have not read the book, this will spoil some of it for you, but I want to get my thoughts out, so here I go...
...toward the end of the book, the main characters (Meg, Calvin, and her father) have escaped IT, but someone must go back to get young Charles Wallace, who was completely captured by IT. Before they were whisked to safety, Charles and Meg had a discussion on happiness. The planet they were on was 'perfect' in many ways. everyone walked the same, talked the same, did the same things...there was no pain, no sickness, no deviation...and no unhappiness...It was only then that Meg pointed out that there wasn't really any happiness, either. Then she said (and I paraphrase)
Maybe you have to have unhappy times in your life so you know what happiness really feels like.
As a fourth grader, I am sure I skimmed over that line quickly without really registering it. As an adult, I stopped and found myself evaluating my life; the tough times, the times when I have been the most unhappy...and realized that she was right. Had I not experienced those lows, I would never have been able to feel the highs...the deep happiness that can only be experienced when you have journeyed through a tunnel of darkness and found yourself on the other side, different, but still alive.
Later, on a different planet, Meg is nursed back to health from near-death by amazing creatures who live in a world of black, grey, and brown. They have no eyes, but see more deeply and beautifully than Meg can understand. Light and dark mean nothing to them; it is instead warmth and coolness. Meg must go back to the other planet to save Charles Wallace; and she must do it alone. Back in the strange, pulsating perfect world, Meg must find a way to save her little brother from the logical, perfect IT. And she does, with the one thing that defies logic completely--LOVE.
She loves him completely and simply and purely, and saves him with nothing more than three words, repeated over and over and over..."I LOVE YOU."
That is the story of all of our lives, after all. Madeline L'Engle makes no excuses for the deep thread of faith running through her tale. Scripture is quoted, God is referenced...and I think this ending is poignant for that reason. After all, what has saved us? Someone saying "I Love You" over and over and over and over, despite ourselves and the way we let ourselves be caught up in a world we don't belong in--whether because of pride or envy, or something else.
So yes, a good book. In fact, a wonderful book. And once again I am reminded of a truth I have often discussed with liz...children's literature is not really for children at all!
...toward the end of the book, the main characters (Meg, Calvin, and her father) have escaped IT, but someone must go back to get young Charles Wallace, who was completely captured by IT. Before they were whisked to safety, Charles and Meg had a discussion on happiness. The planet they were on was 'perfect' in many ways. everyone walked the same, talked the same, did the same things...there was no pain, no sickness, no deviation...and no unhappiness...It was only then that Meg pointed out that there wasn't really any happiness, either. Then she said (and I paraphrase)
Maybe you have to have unhappy times in your life so you know what happiness really feels like.
As a fourth grader, I am sure I skimmed over that line quickly without really registering it. As an adult, I stopped and found myself evaluating my life; the tough times, the times when I have been the most unhappy...and realized that she was right. Had I not experienced those lows, I would never have been able to feel the highs...the deep happiness that can only be experienced when you have journeyed through a tunnel of darkness and found yourself on the other side, different, but still alive.
Later, on a different planet, Meg is nursed back to health from near-death by amazing creatures who live in a world of black, grey, and brown. They have no eyes, but see more deeply and beautifully than Meg can understand. Light and dark mean nothing to them; it is instead warmth and coolness. Meg must go back to the other planet to save Charles Wallace; and she must do it alone. Back in the strange, pulsating perfect world, Meg must find a way to save her little brother from the logical, perfect IT. And she does, with the one thing that defies logic completely--LOVE.
She loves him completely and simply and purely, and saves him with nothing more than three words, repeated over and over and over..."I LOVE YOU."
That is the story of all of our lives, after all. Madeline L'Engle makes no excuses for the deep thread of faith running through her tale. Scripture is quoted, God is referenced...and I think this ending is poignant for that reason. After all, what has saved us? Someone saying "I Love You" over and over and over and over, despite ourselves and the way we let ourselves be caught up in a world we don't belong in--whether because of pride or envy, or something else.
So yes, a good book. In fact, a wonderful book. And once again I am reminded of a truth I have often discussed with liz...children's literature is not really for children at all!
9.17.2004
14 Days
"New York, New York, it's my kind of town..."
It's 8:33 a.m. as I'm writing this. 14 days from now, I will not only be on my way to New York City, I will be there...for almost an hour already. We will be most likely making our way to the train station to get the car to drive to the cape to go to the wedding. (Okay, that sentence sounded a lot like the "there was an old lady who swallowed a fly" poem in my head) And, after being up for 13 hours, I will be at my good friend Annie's wedding. We will stop by the reception for a while and then fall into beds, is my guess...only to get up the next morning and travel some more. i have a feeling i'm going to be ready for 2 days walking around the city after 2 days of travelling (to the wedding and then driving around new england).
I do need to clarify one point from yesterday: I AM EXCITED ABOUT THIS TRIP!!! I just hate the fact that it had to be tempered at all, and I'm sure people who know me and know the situation understand that. Anyway, I woke up this morning anxious and excited about the trip and hoping I get everything I need to get done accomplished before we leave. 5 days. no work. lots of fun. it's going to be a great trip! YAY!
Another week has flown by...
It's 8:33 a.m. as I'm writing this. 14 days from now, I will not only be on my way to New York City, I will be there...for almost an hour already. We will be most likely making our way to the train station to get the car to drive to the cape to go to the wedding. (Okay, that sentence sounded a lot like the "there was an old lady who swallowed a fly" poem in my head) And, after being up for 13 hours, I will be at my good friend Annie's wedding. We will stop by the reception for a while and then fall into beds, is my guess...only to get up the next morning and travel some more. i have a feeling i'm going to be ready for 2 days walking around the city after 2 days of travelling (to the wedding and then driving around new england).
I do need to clarify one point from yesterday: I AM EXCITED ABOUT THIS TRIP!!! I just hate the fact that it had to be tempered at all, and I'm sure people who know me and know the situation understand that. Anyway, I woke up this morning anxious and excited about the trip and hoping I get everything I need to get done accomplished before we leave. 5 days. no work. lots of fun. it's going to be a great trip! YAY!
Another week has flown by...
9.16.2004
The Drama
I feel like the last week of my life has consisted of some interesting, frustrating, but I guess, good drama. Not sure that I'll go into a lot of detail here, but I have been doing some serious soul-searching and thinking the last 7 days because of a simple conversation Tim had with some people. And, I will admit, some of my deep-seeded frustrations with both the church and the world we live in have come back to light. I know I am not perfect, but I think those that know me would know my morals, integrity, and all of that are something that I take very seriously. I have 'survived' a lot in my life and have been through enough to know that there are some things I value more than others...so when those values are questioned, even just because of something that could be 'perceived' then it bothers me. a lot. I feel like it is a direct attack against me and the 'because you work in a fish bowl' argument does little to assuage my frustrations.
I know where I work and I know that because of that I have to be careful of the things I say and do...but I am not going to change who I am because I sit in this chair 50 hours a week. I am not going to conform so much that I lose myself, and if those around here cannot understand, and what's more, accept and embrace that, then I find myself again agreeing with some of the generalizations my family seems to have of the church. Don't get me wrong; I love my church and my job. I love the people I work with and know that they only have my best interests at heart. I know, too, that they know me. It still doesn't change the fact that it frustrates me, though...
...in 15 days Tim and I will be on our way to Annie's wedding, to see New England in the Fall, and to New York City. A great mini-vacation. But, let me correct that sentence. In 15 day, Tim, myself, and Tim's friend Curt will be doing all of the above (except the wedding part; Curt will just stay at the hotel and sleep is my guess). Yes, that's right...the three of us. I don't mind Curt going, it's just the idea that it was even an issue. I don't know him well, but am sure I will after this trip. It won't be the romantic getaway and spend time with Tim that I had hoped, but I am sure it will still be fun. Sometimes you have to make sacrifices because of your job. They told me that at Target and I laughed at them. They tell me that here and I do it. I wonder what the difference is...
Am I excited? Yes, I am.
Am I as excited as I was a week and 1/2 ago? Not quite, but I'm getting back to that point.
I'm sure some of the excitement will come back as the time gets closer...
Other than that whole mess, I did manage to go home over the weekend. It was nice to see my family and to just BE. I just needed to laugh and sleep and play games and hang out with my family. Honestly, I could have used a couple more days of that. But, time is always short. It was good, though, to be with my mom, harry, and cameron.
I now live by myself. Some days it's good, some it is strange. I haven't been completely alone too much, so I guess I'm still not really used to it yet. Getting there slowly, though.
Life is a strange and complicated things. Sometimes I wish I could just go back to the days of eating popsicles, blowing bubbles, and chasing the puppy around the yard before falling exhausted into bed. Ah, to go back to the life of a five year old. I could handle that right about now.
I know where I work and I know that because of that I have to be careful of the things I say and do...but I am not going to change who I am because I sit in this chair 50 hours a week. I am not going to conform so much that I lose myself, and if those around here cannot understand, and what's more, accept and embrace that, then I find myself again agreeing with some of the generalizations my family seems to have of the church. Don't get me wrong; I love my church and my job. I love the people I work with and know that they only have my best interests at heart. I know, too, that they know me. It still doesn't change the fact that it frustrates me, though...
...in 15 days Tim and I will be on our way to Annie's wedding, to see New England in the Fall, and to New York City. A great mini-vacation. But, let me correct that sentence. In 15 day, Tim, myself, and Tim's friend Curt will be doing all of the above (except the wedding part; Curt will just stay at the hotel and sleep is my guess). Yes, that's right...the three of us. I don't mind Curt going, it's just the idea that it was even an issue. I don't know him well, but am sure I will after this trip. It won't be the romantic getaway and spend time with Tim that I had hoped, but I am sure it will still be fun. Sometimes you have to make sacrifices because of your job. They told me that at Target and I laughed at them. They tell me that here and I do it. I wonder what the difference is...
Am I excited? Yes, I am.
Am I as excited as I was a week and 1/2 ago? Not quite, but I'm getting back to that point.
I'm sure some of the excitement will come back as the time gets closer...
Other than that whole mess, I did manage to go home over the weekend. It was nice to see my family and to just BE. I just needed to laugh and sleep and play games and hang out with my family. Honestly, I could have used a couple more days of that. But, time is always short. It was good, though, to be with my mom, harry, and cameron.
I now live by myself. Some days it's good, some it is strange. I haven't been completely alone too much, so I guess I'm still not really used to it yet. Getting there slowly, though.
Life is a strange and complicated things. Sometimes I wish I could just go back to the days of eating popsicles, blowing bubbles, and chasing the puppy around the yard before falling exhausted into bed. Ah, to go back to the life of a five year old. I could handle that right about now.
9.02.2004
Questions
Liz sent me these song lyrics last week as I was dealing with everything around my dad's death. It brought me to tears then, and again today. I feel lost today, a little lonely and unsure. Tired and beat down, confused and anxious, but I know He's here and watching out for me...
I’ve had questions without answers
I’ve known sorrow, I have known pain
But there’s one thing that I cling to
You are faithful, Jesus you’re true.
When hope is lost, I’ll call you Savior
When pain surrounds, I’ll call you Healer
When silence falls, You’ll be the song within my heart
In the lone hour of my sorrow
Through the darkest light of my soul
You surround me and sustain me
My Defender forevermore.
When hope is lost, I’ll call you Savior
When pain surrounds, I’ll call you Healer
When silence falls, You’ll be the song within my heart
I will praise You, I will praise You
When the tears fall, still I will sing to You
I will praise You, Jesus praise You
Through the suffering, still I will sing
When hope is lost, I’ll call you Savior
When pain surrounds, I’ll call you Healer
When silence falls, You’ll be the song within my heart
I will praise You, I will praise You
When the tears fall, still I will sing to You
I will praise You, Jesus praise You
Through the suffering, still I will sing
To You
Always I sing to You
Jesus I sing for You
When the laughter fails to comfort
When my heart aches, Lord are You there
When confusion is all around me
And the darkness is my closest friend
Still I will praise you, Jesus praise You
I’ve had questions without answers
I’ve known sorrow, I have known pain
But there’s one thing that I cling to
You are faithful, Jesus you’re true.
When hope is lost, I’ll call you Savior
When pain surrounds, I’ll call you Healer
When silence falls, You’ll be the song within my heart
In the lone hour of my sorrow
Through the darkest light of my soul
You surround me and sustain me
My Defender forevermore.
When hope is lost, I’ll call you Savior
When pain surrounds, I’ll call you Healer
When silence falls, You’ll be the song within my heart
I will praise You, I will praise You
When the tears fall, still I will sing to You
I will praise You, Jesus praise You
Through the suffering, still I will sing
When hope is lost, I’ll call you Savior
When pain surrounds, I’ll call you Healer
When silence falls, You’ll be the song within my heart
I will praise You, I will praise You
When the tears fall, still I will sing to You
I will praise You, Jesus praise You
Through the suffering, still I will sing
To You
Always I sing to You
Jesus I sing for You
When the laughter fails to comfort
When my heart aches, Lord are You there
When confusion is all around me
And the darkness is my closest friend
Still I will praise you, Jesus praise You
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